Christ-mas..translated roughly to Christ-more......?

Time: 4:39 a.m
Location: Muncie, IN. More specifically, my mom's apartment.

Latest endeavor: Flew alone
Status: Completed.

Next mission: To drive 2 hours to Middlebury to make the bus to 3DYC
Status: En Route

This has been one heck of a Christmas, I must say. A friend of mine wrote on his blog about how he enjoys traditions when it comes to Christmas, the lighting of the Advent Candle, having Christmas with the nuclear family and how last years Christmas was the same as the year before and so on and so forth.

I read it and got a little angry. Mostly for the fact of I had all of that, the nuclear family, the traditions, the presents wrapped neatly under the tree. But this year has been very different for me. My dad lives in South Carolina in a house no bigger than my apartment. My mom lives in an apartment at Ball State. She's a full time student there and has hopes of going to Italy sometime within the next two years. My brother lives in Florida and he works at Disney as a Marine Mechanic. And I'm in Northern Indiana, going to school at a small, private Christian College, with a major that will never land me anything resembling a job of worldly status.

Needless to say, my nuclear family exploded and anything that resembled tradition is now dying with radiation poisoning.

But that's ok. You become flexible. You fly several hundred miles, if only to see a loved one for three days. You accept presents under the tree suddenly look like packages sent in the mail, or come in the form of a two-way plane ticket to see the previously mentioned loved one. You decorate a tree with a family that's not yours, but has invited you into their home, simply because the love of Christ brings people together in ways no one quite understands. You spend a few days with your mom who drives your butt all over, just so you can make it to the airport and just so you can make it to 3DYC on time. You begin to understand LOVE.

Weak and Weary

These last two weeks have all
but wiped me out.
By far the hardest
I've worked all semester.
I have never looked forward
to a break as much as I
look towards this one.
It's so close.
I am weak.
I am weary.
Sweet escape, winter break by thy name.
What keeps me going?
You. Thank You.
for Truth
I am weak.
I am weary.
This road has never been emptier.
The dust all but chokes me.
But sweet, sweet release, the water that flows,
flows abundantly.
It cures. What?
Everything.
Sweet.
Sweet.
Release.

Upon Being Clean Shaved

Compliments: "You look like Ben Folds"

Insults: "Dave is no more"

Gold-dust and Gems

Who needs 'em?
I'm not saying God can't, and hasn't. From what I've seen and the testimonies I've heard, God has done it.
Cool.
But...what of it? It's gold-dust and apparent flawless gems. When I die, they're still here. They are temporary. I'm not trying to belittle these gifts. God loves us and He LOVES to Love us.
Christ died for us. What more proof can we possibly demand or want of God?
It's cool. I've had friends get gold-dust and my intention is not to diminish that in any way, but for me personally, I don't know. Haha.
God does delight in us and love us. But we all are different and receive love in different ways.
If for some people gold-dust or flawless gems are the way they receive love or interpret it, sweet.
I don't think that's me.
But...if it ever happens to me, if I ever find a purple gem in my suitcase, if i ever discover flecks of gold scattered on my hands or clothes, I will still praise God.
And if it never happens, I will still praise God.

Pray for Sandy.

We get too focused on the gift and not why it's being given! Haha. Praise Jesus!
Holy Spirit, thank you for the playtime this weekend.

I just got a picture of Jesus. He had a gem in one hand and a hole in the other. Which one do I prefer?

Weekend in a Few Words or Less

9 hours there
9 hours back
the meat of this sandwhich is
Francis Chan, Francis Collins
D.C.B times 3
Throw in some some green vegetation
The Word of God in more ways than you can count
Hip-Hop, Art, Drama, Music
And talk about some cheese.
Disco-dancing, gut-busting,
Seriously Ridiculous times.
Throw in some honey mustard,
Get your creativity flowing,
Diet Coke and Mentos hit the ceiling
New friends, old friends
20 free tees
However, despite my seemingly fullness,
I'm still empty, and my stomach growls for the church
reformation is on the tip of my tongue
change screams from the depths
Now.

Big thoughts from a small person

The flowers I step onto every day
Were created by the same mouth that life was spoken into existence
And now You've created a mission for us
That's been around for so long
but has fallen onto deaf ears
So now my ears are clear and I can hear
And it scares me so much
Because this is world-changing stuff
*sigh* Deep breath
Ok. I'm ready. Bring it on.
Just...direct me please.

How Can There Be A Hole?

How can such a sadness exist within such Joy?
Never quite understood what people meant
when they said they felt
alone
amidst a sea of people
now i do
I'm a mess right now
This isn't right
can't be right
now what He intended for me
It can't
psh
you don't care

Watch The Leaves

...has anyone ever done that? I'm sure they have.
I've been trying to do it for at least 5-10 minutes a day, mostly between classes.
It's amazing just to watch such a simple process somehow become so much more complicated.
The different ways the leaves are shaped determine the way in which they fall.
Some fall very erratically, twisting and turning, while spinning violently toward the ground.
Others seem to fall with an effortless grace that seems to have an almost feminine quality to it.
And still others seem to want to stand out of the crowd, so they adhere to no apparent pattern of descent.
God is good.
True story.

The Simple Life

Why can't it be just that?
Why are masks the norm and censorship a must?
Why are we different people to different people?
It makes no sEnSe to me not to be who we are all the time to all people.
I won't hide aspects of my life to anyone. I won't shield you from parts of myself I believe to be unattractive or unappealing.
I cannot, will not, lower my standards.

there are always exceptions to the rules

What if i come on too strong and fail my mission

God can fix that.......yeah but what am I called to?

Will I have to hide who I am at some point? For what purpose?

To minister....to call those out of darkness.....why would I have to hide who I am?

By not proclaiming God's Freedom. Audibly? No

Live my life by and for Love. with a capital L.

My actions will speak louder than any words

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????/
does my brain have to be wired like this
do you do that
can't i just know
am i so alienated
do i not want to see family
can't my intentions stay friendly
are my standards so high? They are God's, not mine.
isn't this making any sense?

His day

So, currently skipping chapel.
They said it was a worship chapel, so I decided to skip and spend some intimate time with my Creator. Kind of a one-on-one dealio. Which is part of the motivation for writing this blog, just to kind of express what God's been doing in my life.

Of course there is this:

Sometimes,
what I need
isn't what I want
But there's a reason it's what I need.
His reason.
It's what He wants for me
and what I need from Him.
Funny how that works.

And then there's also this.

Moses is me.
His Midian is my Wyoming
Egypt, Middlebury
Or at least I have faith
To displace what's left of me
To purge the rest
I can only take you
Where I have been before.
So now I need to go there
In order to come back to you
In order to stay
I must leave

Seriously haha! It may make sense, and it may not. But there's a reason I'm not being ridiculously blunt about the matter. Ask me. I'm more than happy to tell you what's going on.
P.S, if you see me this weekend, ask me why. I need to be reminded.

Changes...

Haha.
I wonder if anyone ever reads this?
That's ok. God does and I'm cool with that.
Thanks, by the way, for being awesome God. I really appreciate it, especially on days like today when the beginning starts out to be like crap and by the end, I cannot help but to smile in awe and wonder of You. You that created the stars that I so often enjoy when my head looks up to You.
Thank you for new friendships and old ones that are being rekindled. Thanks for the young voices crying out to you and saying things like "I think I need to find out who I am in Christ, so I'm going to do that, in the mean time letting God, not my peers, shape me." That's You. That's the Holy Spirit working wonders.
That's Freedom. The Freedom that only comes from you Jesus.
And Jesus. Why? I'll never understand so I should stop asking why. But then, if I accept I'm worth it in your eyes, is that being prideful? Who knows?
But, in response, a thank you beyond words is appropriate. Seriously.
You died for our sins. God loves us that much, YOU love us that much. Boo Yah! ( Y€ou know where that comes from. :) )
Just...let me keep my eyes on you, ok? Help me not to become distracted. I'm trying God, but not nearly hard enough. I think I'm going to use this for You, to You.
Goooood stuff.
ILAAY Jesus.

what i want vs what i need

Sometimes,
what I need
isn't what I want
But there's a reason it's what I need.
His reason.
It's what He wants for me
and what I need from Him.
Funny how that works.

Blessing

So, I was going to post a new entry, asking for prayer for finances. As in I have none.
Haha.
I have several things I need to pay for and I currently can't because the job situation isn't nearly as steady as I'd hoped for.

One of these things happened to be paying for my tuxedo for choir. I think it was $120ish that I owed. And it was due ASAP. We had to go pick them up and I'd been avoiding it like the plague because I simply didn't have the money to pay for it.

So fast forward to today. I get an email from Sue, the secretary, saying some "anonymous donor" has paid for my Tux in full. Who does that?? I am so happy. Just today I'd been praying for something. Anything to lighten the load, so I don't feel buried underneath it all.
And this happens.
Praise be to God from Whom all blessings flow. Wow.

Please

I wanted to write something deep and meaningful tonight about the people who comes into our lives.

This, instead, is me asking, begging, pleading and imploring you not to give up.

You know who you are. There are lots of you out there. I know life is hard, I know it's not fair and it seems God is sitting in His royal throne, looking at you with uncaring eyes.

But look closer....there are tears there. For you.
Please hold on with whatever strength left that you have. I know it may be you're hanging on by your fingertips, but please keep holding on.

1John 3:8b "The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work."

Please don't forget that. He is on your side.

To Manage The Stage

It's honestly been a while since someone has been clearly disappointed in me.
It stings. Makes me uncomfortable.
I screwed up. I missed a meeting for the play I'm stage managing. I plain forgot.

And the funny thing is, about five minutes after the meeting was over, I walk into the Fine Arts building, right where the meeting took place, still blind to the fact that I missed something. One of the designers spots me and says "Walk with me" and we walk by the room and pause.

Then it hits.

I was having a good day and you know what, I'm still having one. I got a lot accomplished today. Helped to organize the sculpture studio ( something I've been fearing for a while). I put in two hours of good, honest, hard work in and it felt good.

And I have big ideas for the ceramic studio. I do not know if this is "of God" in the sense of something He clearly wants me to do, but I am investing some major time in it. I have a very clear passion for it and it can be improved greatly.

I still feel like crap. Can't shake it off, no matter how much I want.
Maybe I'll go into the studio and make some pieces tonight. Who knows? Bah.

My Goodness How The Time Has Flewn

Inspiration for the day....

How did it get so late so soon?
It's night before it's afternoon.
December is here before it's June.
My goodness how the time has flewn.
How did it get so late so soon?

Dr. Theodor Suess Geisel.

Such truth. Time is flying by quicker than I feel I can keep up sometimes.
More to come on this subject.
For now, I must join in my voice to the chorus of others, harmonizing in 3rds, forte, with sforzando crescendos all in 6\8 time.

Alien

I look in the mirror and I recognize what I see.
I look at my heart and see a stranger, someone I haven't known for very long.
Who Is This?
Why am I set aside? God, I love you so much, but sometimes counting the cost seems to be more than my heart can possibly bear. To spend my lifetime acquiring my friends and to have to give them up in an instant.
To be set aside, to be the one to call them out of the darkness.
But until I do that, I still have to endure watching them in the darkness
Being consumed, their hearts destroyed by the Destroyer.
Lord, I'm not strong enough to run into the cave and grab them to show them the light.
I can only call from the entrance and pray and hope my words do not fall upon deaf ears.
How do I simply stand back at watch?
Is this what I am called to? To watch them struggle?
God, I pray. I pray for all of them. That HAS to be enough. God, please do the work I cannot do.
Open their hearts, make them curious about you!
Keep my heart a stronghold for you.

Can't Turn Christ Off

.....sometimes i wish i could. i think if we really think about it, most of us have felt this way before.
Sometimes, i look around and life has gotten so much harder since Christ has entered my life, since Christ has become my life.

Christ screwed up MY life. Yeah, i accepted Him into my life, ready for all "Christianity" had to throw at me. But then i began to look around, and slowly see all MY options disappear before my very eyes, vanishing at a rate quicker than i could comprehend. Why was this happening? I was under the impression Christ had set me free.

And i wish i had some cool little lesson at the end of this, tying it all together about how it's ok that Christ screwed up my life, because His way is better. I wish I could say I can handle this.

I can't. Pray for a disciple when I can barely keep it together myself?

Dead

If you're reading this blog to see the "life and times of Dave Pepin," then stop right now, for you'll find nothing here. However, if you have navigated your way to this page to see the Good work Christ is doing in David, to see David slowly, but surely die, and Christ slowly but surely live, you surely have come to the right place. This blog is not about me, but Him. It's all about Him.
i am merely an instrument, one in many, a soldier in God's spiritual army, designed to be recklessly abandoned.
Am i perfect?
No.
Am I blameless?
I try.
Am I running to the one who is Perfect and Blameless?
You better believe i am.
Want to run with me?