No More Storms At Sea For Me

I feel like I'm constantly on a boat in the middle of the ocean and the smallest wave scares me and makes me run into hiding. I don't know always how to stand strong in my weakness, how to let Him be strong for me. But I am trying.
I am saying no to temptation. It's no longer just because of busyness that I avoid sin. I do not wish to be help captive to this, to anything other than grace. I will be a slave to Grace for I can never repay what was done for me.
I'm always either the prodigal son or the older brother.
I'm meant to become more like the father.
I read a very encouraging prayer the other day, given to me by a dear sister. It was a poem by Mother Teresa:

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

I can't quite explain to you why this resonated so much within me, however I think when read in the context of Galatians 1:10, it makes so much sense. I've tried so hard and so long to win the approval of man (my parents, my friends, mentors, teachers, family) in various ways (potential school choice, extra-curriculars, vacations) and while I do feel fulfilled for a time, it still leaves me feeling empty. Why do we constantly drink a water that leaves us thirsty? I desire for Him and Him alone. That's why I'm at Bethel, it's why I have $20,000+ in loans to pay off when I could have attended any other school for free. It's affected every part of my life and I want it to permeate who I am.
It's no longer your faith or the faith of my parents or friends or mentors, but my own. It's between me and Him.
And I am accountable to my brothers and sisters. I'm never above Godly, righteous reproach from anyone, whether it be someone pouring into me or someone I'm pouring into.
And we do learn from each other, don't we? I've learned just as much from you (Whoever you are) as I hope you've learned from me. This isn't just a one-way road. It's not even a two-way road, but a three-way, one leading between you and I and the other two leading from us heaven bound.
Yet another chapter in this life He has graced me with. Chapter....oh I've lost count at this point.

Couldn't have said it better myself...

Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos. ~Charles M. Schulz

The Summer Thus Far...

Whattowritewhattowrite?
I've been encouraged more these past few days than I have in a long time. Stagnation is such an ugly thing, and so is drifting. You never drift towards intimacy, always away from it. And I've been a piece of driftwood for far too long.
I am not an island. Seems to be my mantra lately.
How many bridges have I burned, I wonder. I know of many.
Some of the most healing words, coming from one I hurt.

Don't dwell on the past, I didn't go anywhere. I'm still here.. I'm still your friend.

I cannot even begin to express the healing that brought me.

Life is getting difficult. People are leaving and I don't quite know how to say "See you later."

Self-placed burdens are being lifted finally.

I am not an island

Changes...

Senior. Once again, that word directly applies to me and my current situation because I am one.
Will the transition from college into this supposed "real world" be as stark as the one from high school to college?
Paying back thousands of dollars in debt.
Working a 9-5 M-f does not sound appealing.
I want to live in Hawaii in a tent in a national forest or a state park.
Get OUT of debt ASAP.
I want to live in a building on Western Street in South Bend with other families and live in community.
I want to go to Greece with Kostas in a year. Hang out there for a month or so and get some culture in my blood. It's filled with far too much American everything.
That's a long way away.
Right now, I have essentially a full-time job. I have a roof over my head and money to eat with and friends who are still in the area (some longer than others).
So, in essence, I don't know what I want necessarily, or at least the specifics.
Good.
Gives God more room to work in my life. Gives me WAY more options.
He has me. Always has, always will.
I trust You.

Unknown...

I don't know.....
I really wish I did, but I don't.


I'm so distant, Your voice rings out so silently.
You move farther away, but it's me that's really moving.
Like a moving sidewalk I can't seem to shake.
Running against the stream and sometimes it's so easy to stop
and be carried away.
Against my will? Is it my will to stop?
When did this happen? When did this happen?
I don't have to live like this. I don't have to live like this,I don't have to live like this. I don't have to live like this.