Please Pray

I'm constantly surrounded now by spirits of deception and will be until the first of the month.
Please pray for my mind and heart.

Break.....

Finally, the weight of classes has been lifted.
It's Saturday afternoon and I'm just relaxing at Bethel, waiting for the first leg of the journey (Middlebury).
Christmas break seems to be the break I travel the most in, mostly because it's when I get to see my dad in South Carolina. I'm insanely blessed to able to fly out and see him. And this year, I'll get to see the grandparents, aunt and unofficial uncle, a brother and hopefully a cousin. (I just called him and he answered..that never happens).
So I'm stoked for that leg of the trip. But before that, I'm spending a week or so with my mom in Muncie. You know how things tend to snowball in your head? That week has definitely been a snowstorm. I mean, it's good now, especially after having talked to my mom about it. I just plan to have a lot of reading available to me that week. Speaking of which, I should not have thrown away the South Carolina library card. I could totally use it. I think Dad will be working at some point so I'll need to entertain myself somehow.
Pray for joy and patience this break. Also for protection for not only me, but the Body (Greg, Ray, Lyndee, Twan, Byron, Drew, Kerch) as well. They're all going their separate ways for break (Ray's going to Korea...CRAZY!) so it'll be strange not being around them as much as I have this semester.
I should definitely have time to post and my roommate Ben (since he forgot it here) is letting me snag his digital camera for break. SUCH a blessing, so pictures will hopefully be posted.

Joy

Today was filled with it:
Buildings
Ceramics
Museums
Concerts
Working digital frames
Late night t-bell run

It's good stuff alright.

This doesn't normally happen...

I was praying for a friend and on a whim, I asked God to give me a scripture reference to them.
And the second I asked, Psalm 126 popped into my head. This doesn't normally happen, but apparently it was a good moment of faith, or my Dad wanting to bless me.
This is Psalm 126 and I've been pouring over it for the last two weeks:

When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,
we were like men who dreamed. ^b]">

² Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."

³ The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

⁴ Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.

⁵ Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.

⁶ He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

Please tell me this awakens something deep within you.
I want to be like a man who dreamed.
I want to sow in tears, and reap with songs of joy.
That's my prayer today:
Lord, fill my mouth with laughter, my tongue with joy.
But only if Your name will be heard among the nations through it.
Be known today, my Lord.

I don't...

...feel like writing a blog.
So I'm not going to.

Today was not a fun day....

'nuff said.
I don't want to think, I don't want to speak.
I want to sleep, and be like a man who dreamed.

I want this semester to be over. I want Bethel to be over.
No more homework, no more grades. I want to stop screwing up.

I just want to hide away and come back someone else.
I'm tired of this flesh, rip it away like green scales.

Batter my heart til it's unrecognizable.

Poisoned! Poisoned, I say!

D.C went so well. Hopefully, I'll write more about it.
I got food poisoning at some point. Last night was not fun, to say the least.
Vision was cast tonight. $99,000 for a church and school building? Yes.
Pottery shop down there, pottery by homeless? Yes.
Drop a lighthouse in the middle of the dark night, let those whose eyes have only seen the dark experience something else, something different, something GOOD.
Redefine your definition of homeless.
This is not my world, this is not my home. I have one, I've just yet to get there.
Does that sound like something God's put on your heart?
Displace yourself, give up your life, for His Work, His Kingdom and His Glory?
To see fruit more abundantly than you've known possible?
To make disciples that make disciples that make disciples? To minister to those around you intentionally, all the time? Not just a spare hour here or there for to have your life completely transformed into something that's not yours anymore?
To Live in Freedom? To walk in His Grace and Love and no longer be called a slave, or even a friend but a Son/Daughter?
To understand things like:
Love ≠ Approval
Peace ≠ Safety
Tolerance ≠ Agreement
Relationship ≠ Fellowship
Suffering ≠ Punishment
"I am" ≠ "I do"
Importance ≠ Urgency
Humbleness ≠ Inferiority
Does this resonate with your heart? Does this awaken something deep within you, something longing to see light, to see Truth? Stay Heartened, my friend. God is calling out a remnant, a generation not simply content to merely watch their faith pass by their eyes, but a generation seeking sanctification and consecration, a generation seeking the difference between the Holy and the common.
We're here and we're waiting for you to join us, but more importantly, He is waiting for you. Run to Him!

D.C Bound.....

It's 5a.m.
I got maybe 4 hours of sleep last night.
I'm headed to D.C. This is such a random trip. Goodness.
You should see the directions from the airport to the hotel. Red lines and Green lines....Tottenham and Farragut N. Good thing there are four other people coming.
God, give us strength and help us remember why we're doing this.
Coach Hunny, Zach Delaruellle and Robby Rasbaugh all prayed for me last night. God, I'm so sorry I have forgotten you in all of this. Amidst the hustle and bustle and constant thinking I can lead this by myself, You get the short end of the stick. I don't understand this stupid flesh all the time. Thank You for your grace, that it's Bigger than anything else I've ever understood.
Here goes nothing................

Well, I'm, not failing

I'm still passing Prob and Stats....I was right though, I got a 30% on the test, ( the average was a 54%....does this indicate anything?)
There's still hope but this means I have to attend Math Lab, along with the majority of the class.
Exodus 14:14 is a good verse. It sucks, but it's so good and I'm going to see what happens with it.
Wish me luck

Pslam 103:8

This was going to be yesterday's post but church happened and lots of papers needing to be written happened as well, so this had to be sacrificed. It happens.
I've found that the past couple of days, I am so quick to anger. And then that in itself tends to make me more angry ( and do you see where this leads? )
And it's a very physical anger too. Not violent, per-say, but very active in it's manifestation. I just get a whole lot of energy and testosterone and adrenaline pumping very quickly that I need to go do something. Thankfully, God's grace covers that like it does everything else.
Today, I'm just a little exhausted. I'll be able to slow down tonight and hang out with Nate Jackson and then Rachel Koons. It should be relaxing.
And now it's several hours later and I realize we have a meeting for the Green Team at 9.
Life needs to stop soon. I may explode.
However, the crescendo of homework seems to have ceased for a little bit, at least. Several papers down, but several more to go.

Second one today

....and the inspiration left me......
Today was a good day. Took a nap, and did a lot of longboarding.
This is going to mean a late night tomorrow night to get the homework done.
God, thank you for today. I truly praise you in the small moments, in the times that would normally seem so insignificant, but meant the the world to me today. You truly lavish Your love on us and we really have no idea.
Please give me patience. I can't do this without You, pure and simple. And I don't want to do this without You because it's completely pointless.
This is my prayer: Direct my everything.

Oh What A Night, Late December...well....it's November Actually...

So I spent the night at Christian and Becky's.
Boy, she can cook! Two home-cooked meals in one weekend. I am truly blessed. I got to see Coffee, currently my favorite dog in existence (followed closely by a small dog in Kansas City, MO at Josh Mill's house and a small dog named Smudge at Greg's aunt's house.)
Chloe and Susie weren't feeling well, so they stayed in all day and had a Lord of the Rings marathon. Needless to say, I was a bit jealous and I had yet to visit, so I kindly asked Chloe if, provided the gas money, she would come pick me up. About half way into the movie, a neighbor knocks on the door, and asks if she could borrow the phone. She needed to call the cops to report domestic abuse. Her name was Grace (go figure) and my heart was broken in so many pieces for her. I pray she got everything sorted out. The cops came, and I think her dad showed up too, though I'm not too sure on the details. With Chloe, Susie and Grace there, I felt a surge, albeit a small surge, of "Protect". It was different, though I felt oddly at peace with it. Grace was afraid her boyfriend was going to come back, and he did, but then ran away again.
It was a good night.
Lord, please give me wisdom to know when to speak and when to be silent, when to act and when to sit still. Lead my actions, my words and my thoughts.

I missed yesterday...oh well

God is so good. For some reason, they've canceled alternate chapel two days in a row, so I've been forced to go to the normal chapel. Not that this is an inherently bad thing, but this year, I've found I prefer alternate chapel for it's more low-key, chilled setting.
Today, however, I am so appreciative to have gone to normal chapel.
The speaker canceled last minute (another victim of the swu, I assume).
So, they pulled together a last-minute praise and worship chapel, complete with Shekinah Glory (I cry every time those girls dance.)
It was just good. Good in the sense that God is good. I felt the Holy Spirit move in my soul and I could not help but smile. I didn't even realize I was holding in the Joy I was receiving until I let it out. Todd let loose on the organ setting and I just lost it.
Laughter is so good, especially when it's shared. Drew was right there with me, laughing so hard. And it wasn't even the organ sound that was funny. I couldn't help but laugh because there was nothing to do but laugh. Not out of exhaustion or frustration, but simple, yet complete overwhelming and welcomed Joy. And it just made the rest of my day seem lighter.

Yesterday was a long day. I had class at 9:30-10:50, then a break. Class from 12:00-1:50, 2:00-3:20, break. Work 7-midnight. Suffice to say, Thursdays are no day of rest.
And here comes the theme of the semester: papers. I always have a paper to be writing.
Papers that need writing/finishing by Tuesday.

Art History

• Comparing my church (house) to an ancient Sumerian Ziggurat
• Defend whether or not the ancient myth of the Minotaur happened

Disciple-making Structures in Ministry

• My view of discipleship/ministry
• One lesson plan for a wed night youth group

and now for the papers due by the end of the semester

Art History

• At least 6 more papers over random topics, and galleries and museums

Disciple-making Structures

• 4-year curriculum for a wednesday night youth group
  
• 1500-1600 word reflection on what I've learned in the class

Theory of knowledge

• Final Paper (subject unknown)

These are my focuses for the year. That, and I need to pass Prob and Stats. The encouraging (sarcasm) part about that is the Math department decided that they would change the class for this year. Basically they doubled the work load and made it harder to study and ask questions. The professor said (and I quote) "We expect more people to fail this class than in previous years". Now, despite what you think (you, whoever you are that reads this, however many few of you are out there), this isn't complaining but rather a scholarly update on my life. Despite what I think, academics are, unfortunately, a large part of my life that need some attention. However, I keep insisting God did not bring me to purely for my education, but more importantly for His Truth, which I've found and experienced in abundance. More on that later....

Technically, it's the 6th, but who's counting?

Yeah, this one is counting for the 5th of November since I'm still up and probably will be for another hour or so, writing a paper (maybe longer, Smallville is playing and I don't know what to do with this paper and my mind drifts off to other things...............)
I'm drinking Simply Orange. I got it for $2.00. I continue to be pleasantly surprised.
Again, my mind drifts to things not of this world, to a truth, a light, a presence beyond that which I can know. It sails towards desires being submitted, and put through the holy fire, to be cleansed and made holy.
......................

A little more consistency perhaps

So, I have no idea if anyone actually reads this or checks up on it ( they haven't had good reason to do so in the past few months)
However, I'm going to attempt write something everyday. Hopefully, it will just be a general update on my day and what happened essentially, but who knows what life lessons will be thrown my way.
I'm starting today with today.
It was a good day. I got to my first class and checked my email in the computer in the room. I found out I had forgotten to write a paper due today, so reluctantly, I left class to go write this paper. (p.s. this is proving to be more difficult than it should be. For some reason, something is malfunctioning on my laptop to where the laptop will think I clicked the mouse and the cursor will just go there. This proves difficult when writing papers, especially when the mouse is somewhere in the paper it shouldn't be and I randomly start typing in the middle of my paper....comprende?)
I got the paper done, and went to 2 out of my 3 classes. That's been an issue lately, the whole not going to class. It's pretty bad and I need to start going to class. :)
I had dinner with Laura Overs. Pretty cool girl and it was good to see her heart and see what God has been doing with her. I'm not too sure if anything will progress with that. ( And when I say progress, I mean in a ministerial sense, not in any romantic sense whatsoever. )
I got my homework done tonight. The prob and stats homework was a bit frustrating and I emailed the prof letting her know I'd be asking questions tomorrow ( when I go to class, which I haven't been in...ohh...2 weeks now? It's all good though, attendance is not part of the grade, she made that very clear).
And on to another day!

Jesus, here I am, Your favorite one...

The title is just the current song being played in the Prayer room here in Kansas City, Missouri at IHOP (International House of Prayer). I'm currently writing this one Kyle Swope's $1200 MacBook Pro. Apparently her name is Natasha (?).
And yet again, I come to K.C with generally more question than answers. That usually happens. I really got this whole K.C pushed into my lap. I do realize I had the option to say yes or no, but in reality there was no way I was going to say no. I don't generally pass up a chance to come to K.C if I can help it, especially with the school allotting us a budget to cover the gas money to get here. My bank account was a little larger than it normally is, so I said yes. Glory prayed for 8 people and 8 people came out.
Jacob, Kyle and Nathan bonded with Josh Mills in a way I never expected. So many inside jokes this time around.
The girls were more on their own.
Either way, they all ate up the prayer room as most do. Willingness is key and I sense most of them are.
It's fun to see them experience this for the first time, and yet I definitely feel the need to fulfill the "caretaker" role on them, protect them and encourage them. I don't agree with everything that goes on here at IHOP. Some life style choices are a bit extreme considering people's past, and yes I believe in FREEDOM but that doesn't mean the freed alcoholic can hang around the bar everyday. Where's the wisdom?
It seems I'm still plagued with guilt over old things. I in no way have peace about certain things and wonder if I'll ever have peace over them. I just don't understand sometimes, and with this whole Christianity thing, the line between right and wrong can be blurred so much. You wouldn't think so, but it is.
But God has allowed me to bless people while I've been here which is always something I cherish. Conversations with old friends (Josh, Wes, Eric, Lilly) are among the things I look forward to most while being here. And being in the prayer room goes without saying. (Randomly, Mike Bickle, the founder of IHOP is in the prayer room currently. Very random. Some day I'd like to have a sit down with him and talk, but I doubt it will ever happen. Maybe he'll approach me? )
Blah, my spirit is just at such unrest. I don't know why. There's something there, and I'm not too sure what it is.
God of Jacob, will you wrestle with me?

Life, Liberty and the pursuitGod of Freedom

So apparently I'm picking this up again. It makes sense with who God's creating me to be; a quiet soul who's less likely to speak and more likely to listen. I get discouraged sometimes for sure, but you let yourself be picked up by the only One Who can pick you up.
I'm not loud. I'm not boisterous. I'm not shallow. I don't seek approval. I won't give approval. I don't manipulate. I'm not a slave.
It seems a lot of who I am today is not only what I am, but also what I'm not.
I am quiet. I'm deep. I seek love. I give love. I care. I am a free son.
Some of you won't understand the ministry God is currently unfolding before me. I can't expect you to. I know the truth that resides in my heart is what I'm seeking after. I will keep my eyes on my God. I will not stray or stop for anyone. This does not mean I will love any less but I will not be hindered in my walk by those around me. I will walk. I will not drag behind me those around me. That is not who I am and not how He intended it. If God's grace can extend to me, a once manipulative, drug-using porn addict, I believe His grace can extend infinitely. And it does. It is not my duty to save the world. I cannot. He can.
God's greatest commandment says it clearly enough.
The pendulum effect obviously comes into play here, so there is the tendency to forget about the 2nd greatest command. However, I will love people. That will never go away. I won't approve of some of their actions, but I will still love them.
And that seems to be something I need to explore more.
What does Jesus' love look like in my life as presented to others?

Loose Lips Sink Ships

Apparently I have an "irrepressible need to be open with everyone" (hb).
That shouldn't be who I am anymore.
When will that ever go away? That is not me.

But it seems it still is because I want to tell everyone everything.
And I'm still dealing with these consequences. People telling me things they shouldn't know, yet I've definitely told them.

I'm tired of my flesh and the war it wages. I am tired of my new self clashing with my old self.
I am still dealing with consequences of my old self. No, I'll never deny that, (in fact with me, I'll tell the whole world was a great sinner I was) but I'm tired of this openness.

Maybe I'll go on a speech fast for a long time.
I like that idea. A lot.

Upon the subject of money

I keep telling myself I am not out here to make money, that it's just a perk above and beyond what I really came out here to do. However, upon seeing my latest check being worth $72.21, I got a little angry and frustrated. No, I did not forget any decimal points or extra numbers. And that was for 56 hours of work. Now, if you do the math, I made roughly $1.29 an hour. Rough eh? I actually make a little more than that, however over $300 was taken out for deposits, meals/housing and the fact they paid me $2 more an hour on my last paycheck. Fun stuff huh?
And then I stop and think...."What exactly do I need this money for?" I have a cell phone bill I pay, so that needs to happen and I could be paying college off but it's not been a major concern as of yet. So, I don't really need it. I guess...it's just seeing very very very little actual fruit of my physical work.
Blah, so many frustrations lately. This is what I wrote on my previous internship blog post:

"So, I haven't written a blog in quite a while. It's not that I've been too busy or haven't had something to write about, it just hasn't happened.
I had an interesting talk with Twan and Greg at lunch one day. It was a hard pill to swallow. You think you can take constructive criticism and then two prophets come along and you suddenly realize you haven't really experienced constructive criticism until now. All of this, this whole internship, this whole "way" of doing ministry, being led by the Spirit...daily...is so foreign to me. Sometimes, I just want to stop, and take a sabbath. But then I ask myself have I really done any work and I honestly don't know. Well, work in a Kingdom sense. I do have a job out here, working 40ish hours a week, give or take depending on the week. And it seems that's the problem. I don't know what I'm doing, I barely have an idea of my role. I feel like I'm playing football and just have no idea what the game is or where I belong. So I find myself attempting to be the quarterback and failing or the running back and failing too. I think you understand where I'm going with this. And it's not that I'll never know these things, but currently I don't which makes life and functioning very difficult when I literally don't know what to do other than pray almost constantly that God would show me what He wants of me. And I'm such an outgoing guy that I want to meet these people I'm surrounded by, I want to know them and comfort them and speak into their lives and I know no other way than by getting to know them, which is almost exactly opposite from what most of the other people in the internship are doing. It bugs and frustrates me so much to see Twan and Greg just literally stand back and almost seemingly do nothing. But it only looks like nothing to me because I'm not looking with the right eyes. I don't understand their prayer, I don't understand or see the battlefield around me. And with no understanding or sight comes no action on my part. And then because of this blindess and lack of understanding on my part, what actual good can come from me meeting these people and getting to know them besides meeting a basic desire to know and be known. These have been my frustrations of late. "
so what now?

Almost a month...

It's been almost a month since I've updated this. Life gets busy, especially with a job and two other blogs that need updating and all that with limited internet abilities. So yeah, it's June 2nd now. I'm sitting in the employee rec. hall where all the employees chill out after a day of work ( for some, they literally work all day). There's a pool table ( an old coin pool table converted to be free ), a big screen T.V ( you can sign out a D.V.D player if you get really bored) and numerous chairs and tables ( it seems everyone but me brought their laptops). I still can't believe I'm in Wyoming currently. It absolutely blows my mind. Every time I catch a glimpse of the mountains that loom in the distance, I still, quite literally, gasp. I can't help but feel very small and insignificant. Life here is interesting.
God hAs I type right now, plans are being made to go white water rafting for free. That scares me. White water rafting is very terrifying. But yeah, it's a pretty sweet set up here. Most of the activities here are free to employees. Also, the food we eat is the same as the guests as well. They take care of their employees here, but they expect quite a bit. Already, several of the interns here have put in 12 hour shifts, one guy put in a 15 hour shift. I haven't had to work those kinds of shifts yet, just 5 or 6 hour shifts. Next week, my hours will get extended because the store I work at will extend their hours. I'm not here to make money. That's something I'm slowly recognizing and I'm o.k with that. As I'm moved around the past couple years, I've either lost or intentionally gotten rid of a lot of my possessions. It's been really good not to rely on so many material things. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy my longboard quite a bit and I own a decent amount of books, but nothing overboard.
God has been so good, especially with answered prayers. I've been seeing quite a few people around who work at the national park who I just really want to meet. Everyone here has a story that I really want to hear. So, I've been praying for opportunities to meet people and God has truly been faithful. Whether it's been through volleyball or pool or helping someone recycle some cardboard, I've truly been blessed with the people I've met here. More to come later....

Good Morning

Time: 8:52 a.m
Time I woke up: 8:23 a.m
Reason: I have nooooo idea....

So I'm currently sitting on the most comfortable couch ever in one of the most comfortable houses ever. This post is going to be dedicated to the place I'm staying. It's in Middlebury, a little town in northern Indiana. The house is on a side road, up a hill on a "No Outlet" road called "Berry Street." You find yourself driving up the dirt road and suddenly you come upon the house. Maybe the first thing you notice is the hammock hanging quite lazily from two trees, or you may notice the house itself, with it's mixture of pine wood paneling on the outside and a tin roof which makes the most wonderful noise in the rain. And upon further inspection, you may see a Beagle puppy ( named Coffee) sitting outside, either basking in the sun or going crazy upon seeing you. You'd also notice three cats, if you're lucky, going where they please.

You step out of your vehicle and walk to the house, not entirely sure as to which door is the front. The door you first see actually leads to a bedroom, so you walk around to the side of the house and up a hill where there is a rock path that leads to the side of the house. You turn around and notice a barn which holds many secrets, one being a movie theater. You walk inside the house and the first thing you notice may be the hard wood floors, or the shelve holding several wine bottles. Or you might notice the many, many pictures of people ( you assume family and friends) hanging up everywhere. Now if you didn't see Coffee ( the beagle puppy) outside, you may now encounter her. Or she may be fast asleep on the couch, again depending on the time of day.

A tour of the house reveals a sense of warmth and of love. The dining room table is used for meals at night where we all sit around and talk about our day. The T.V is not constantly on, and if it is on, there may be music ( Coldplay, The Frat, Burlap to Cashmere...) playing, via live stream from one of the several computers to the PS3. The kitchen is used daily to make such dishes such as seaseme seed encrusted ahi tuna steak, or something as simple as pigs in the blanket. The second floor is quite interesting as well. If you manage to make it up the stairs, for they are quite steep and intimidating at first, you'd find two very different rooms. One, covered in flowers, pinks and greens and the other decorated based off the book "Where The Wild Things Are", the bed in fact looking like a little sailboat. Now that you've explored the house, you take a stroll outside and you notice a random trampoline you hadn't seen before.

You continue on up yet another hill to the barn. You walk around to the far side and open the large sliding wooden door. At first, it looks like a normal barn minus any farm animals, though you may see one or two or three cats. The lower level is used mostly for storage. You'll find bikes ( a vintage light blue Schwinn among them), lawn mowers, tires etc... You walk up the stairs and suddenly find a quite different view. In front of you are 20 or so theater seats and you turn around and see a screen of sorts on the far wall. 4 dry wall boards have been put together to form a screen and you notice several speakers surrounding the seats, and a projector screen as well. A drum set, and two guitars make the scene complete.

The married couple who own this house are amazing. Their names are Becky and Christian and God has blessed me beyond belief by bringing them into my life. They graciously and warmly open their home to me whenever I have a break. Their share their meals with me and their daily tasks ( everything from dog sitting, to helping with a barn sale, to mowing the lawn...I have to earn my keep somehow haha.) I cannot begin to express my gratitude towards them. This is one of my homes.

sdjfuefoenvconuedcndljhndsofows(blah)ssdflkjalfoweifjoewfkew

................that's my mood.

{insert something deep here}

Lately, I've been straying away from this site in terms of blogging. I recently added the Ads you see on the sides in hopes of making a little extra money (oh the get $20 quick schemes). I then realized how stupid it was and tried removing the ads, but as you can see, they still haunt me.
Time is moving a lot faster than I would like it to. The weeks blow by like they're individual days. And always so much left to do, always. Fundraising to attend to, papers to write, people to visit, and jobs to start. I've been inspired to write something lately but the words don't seem to want to escape. Maybe Anna Nalick had it right..."2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to" It's from a song called "Just Breathe". Who knows?
I'm sick. I've succumbed to it and even taken a couple sudafed. It honestly helps which frustrates me. I'm not such a big fan of pills. I took medicine for ADHD for the greater part of my life and now I'm not against pills, but I tend to shy away from them. But oh sickness. Thomas Fuller once said "Health is not vauled til sickness comes". I miss a head free from pounding and a throat that doesn't feel like I've got sandpaper stuck in it. But the worst of it came over break in which I'm very grateful for.
I believe I need to write things down more. I have an interview for an on campus job next year and I woke up this morning thinking I had the interview at 9:00, so I was up at 8 (keeping in mind my first commitment is Chapel at 10) showered, dressed and filled out the necessary paperwork. I arrived promopty at 8:50 only to realize my interview is on the 24th at 3:30. I don't know where 9:00a.m on Monday came from.
Oh. People I've recently hung out with or get to hang out with soon (yes, I'm listing)

Kelby Williams
Paul McKinley
Mom
Nathan Rasbaugh
Robert Rasbaugh
Erica Nisley
Hannah Beth
Shana Beers

???

do i even know what humility means?

Humble

I prayed that God would humble me.
And do He did. It's always the prayers said off to the side that I forget about that are usually answered. I think worrying about prayers might just be their antidote. Who knows?
It sucked, but at the same time so needed. To be humbled that is.
Thank you. I don't know if you read this, but thank you for letting God use you to help humble me.

[no title]

Jesus, I need you to be my everything. I need you to fill those gaps in my life. I need you to fulfill those desires in my heart. You have to otherwise what am I but empty? Jesus, I pray that You truly and literally be my everything. Otherwise, I have nothing. I can't go on like this much longer and You know it. I can't stand to bear this emptiness, this lonely, abandoned, isolated and forlorn place I constantly find myself in. Why is this road so empty and why am I suddenly looking back to the things I was sure I counted the cost of.

been a while...

almost a month in fact....have I lost inspiration? It's not that I've been too busy, God strike me down if I ever use that excuse. Straight up lie right there.
I helped fix a Raku kiln today. I'm excited to be able to use it. I also glazed some pots....didn't glaze them in time to make it into the art show. :) Oh well.
Also replaced the wheels on my rollerblades (finally). A big thank you to Jonathan for hooking me up with the semi-new wheels. They roll nicely.
It's about 12:20a.m. I have no reason to be awake right there. I don't want to be awake. I want to be sleeping and yet I'm not tired, nor hungry. Thirsty yes. So thirsty...for....what. Water? It will only make me thirsty again. I thirst to thirst no longer.
Deus Caritas Est............He has to be.

On Christ The Solid Rock I Stand.....

In me, there is a great sadness. One that has been growing at an ever-increasing rate. Someone once said this wouldn't be easy. Someone once said this won'tl be a piece of cake. They also said it would be this hard. They talked about the ever-present loneliness, the vast absence that once was filled by ignorance.

I didn't believe them.

But now I know.

I can no longer be ignorant about my generation, about my friends, about my family. And since I can no longer live blissfully unaware, I live painfully aware.

I understand Freedom. I understand Christ died to forgive our sins. We have been set free of our prison. So, now that we're outside, now that our shackles are gone, what's next? What is Freedom? The ability to do something. What separates those who are outside of the prison from those still trapped inside? Those outside are Free to do something. What should our response to Freedom be? Should we set out to find yet another prison to be trapped? Should we live in a state of disbelief that our shackles are actually gone, that we have suddenly found ourselves in the light? Should we continue to fight for something we already have? It reminds me of the saying "It was in the last place I looked." (note: this is in reference to something actually being in the last place you looked. Not the last option of somewhere to look, just the thing being in the last place you looked. ) Of course it's in the last place you looked. You're not going to search for your wallet, and upon finding it, continue to look for it. Sometimes, I feel this is exactly what we as Christians are attempting to do with our salvation. Christ has died for us, we are forgiven of our sins and yet some of us are still attempting to live our lives in such a way as to still "attain" our salvation. Yes, we live outside the prison walls, but we still feel the need to live in such a way as to remove the shackles that aren't even there! The shackles are gone. You've been forgiven of your sins. So exercise your freedom. It's really a simple concept.

This idea of Freedom is not hard. This idea of obedience, of God speaking to you, is not hard. You can ask all the questions you'd like about "Well, how does it work? What will it sound like? How will I know for sure?" I cannot answer those questions for you. You can look at a lake, questioning whether the water is too cold or too warm, or whether you'll drown or not, or whether there are fish in there. Or...you could jump in and find out for yourself. Talk to Him, not me. Listen to Him. So often times, we're more than happy to talk, but find so much discomfort in the still silence of listening. Of course you can't hear him, you're too busy talking. Are we afraid of the silence? Are we afraid of what we will hear if we're quiet. Maybe that's why we're quick to speak, but slow to listen. Are we afraid of what we'll hear?

What do you think? I've never really asked for comments and very few have left any but I'm asking you, as a reader, to respond.

God....

is such an artist. Seriously, did anyone else see the sunset tonight? And that's just one sunset in one place! How many more does He create every single day, all around the world in different time zones in different climates. I just laughed so hard when I realized that. Some friends and I went down to the river to watch the sunset and it was phenomenal. I miss them quite a bit. I have to thank my friend Lilly for my appreciation of sunsets/sunrises and stars. If you ever get a chance, sit outside and watch them. They are awe-inspiring.

sorry

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
i am so so so so so so sorry.

Train Thoughts

Sitting backward on a train is kind of like life
You can see where you've been, and where you are
but not where you're going
And where you are turns into
Where you've been, and suddenly
Where you're going is where you are
faster than you can deal with.
Seriously, slow down.
Quick as a calm, cool cucumber.
Once in a while you stop
Leave some things behind
Pick some things up
Some you want, some you don't
Yeah, sitting backwards on a train
is definitely like life.

untitled

This pain that I have has no cause, rhyme or reason
Let me rip my heart open, let me show you the season

Unannounced it comes down like some fires from Hell
Demons who gnaw at you, wishing you well

Your chains are so heavy, click-clacking behind
But onward you press, and you slowly resign

They've always been there, like some unwanted cyst
Maybe you should end it, would you really be missed?

Lies and deceit slowly cloud o'er your vision
Somewhere along you've forgotten the mission

This disease, it's spreading, and it cracks your skin dry
You sit down and ponder and ask yourself "Why?"

This water you've heard of with some great renown
Don't let it touch you for surely you'll drown

Or not quite, but maybe, but surely...you think
You look at your chains, every last solemn link

Could life be unhindered, without chains could you see
A life without bondage, dare you say free?

Can freedom exist in such an unbridled state?
Your chains are so heavy, is this really your fate?

Surprised By Joy

I was surprised by Joy today.
It caught me off guard and I was unprepared, but I welcomed You with arms wide.
Thank You for giving me a heart-warming reminder that You love me.
Love that is unfailing and never-ending. Love that will not abandon nor corrupt.
Love that does not have it's own motives or evil schemes.
Pure Love.
I miss you, Joy. A lot.

Joy, El Elyon, Father

Help me to remember this is for You and



You alone.

Time: 12:10 p.m
Location: O'Fallon, Missouri. More specifically, the Goodwin home.

Latest endeavor: Relax
Status: In Transit

So, I have officially will have 32 hours of travel time under my belt once I return from Missouri.
Meeting many amazing people who's names I know, but are not associated with faces.
About to meet Kikka, a very large, smart German Shepherd.
I am terrified. Large barking dogs and myself simply do not mix.

Not a whole lot to report on the weekend. I'm sure more will come.