Jesus, here I am, Your favorite one...

The title is just the current song being played in the Prayer room here in Kansas City, Missouri at IHOP (International House of Prayer). I'm currently writing this one Kyle Swope's $1200 MacBook Pro. Apparently her name is Natasha (?).
And yet again, I come to K.C with generally more question than answers. That usually happens. I really got this whole K.C pushed into my lap. I do realize I had the option to say yes or no, but in reality there was no way I was going to say no. I don't generally pass up a chance to come to K.C if I can help it, especially with the school allotting us a budget to cover the gas money to get here. My bank account was a little larger than it normally is, so I said yes. Glory prayed for 8 people and 8 people came out.
Jacob, Kyle and Nathan bonded with Josh Mills in a way I never expected. So many inside jokes this time around.
The girls were more on their own.
Either way, they all ate up the prayer room as most do. Willingness is key and I sense most of them are.
It's fun to see them experience this for the first time, and yet I definitely feel the need to fulfill the "caretaker" role on them, protect them and encourage them. I don't agree with everything that goes on here at IHOP. Some life style choices are a bit extreme considering people's past, and yes I believe in FREEDOM but that doesn't mean the freed alcoholic can hang around the bar everyday. Where's the wisdom?
It seems I'm still plagued with guilt over old things. I in no way have peace about certain things and wonder if I'll ever have peace over them. I just don't understand sometimes, and with this whole Christianity thing, the line between right and wrong can be blurred so much. You wouldn't think so, but it is.
But God has allowed me to bless people while I've been here which is always something I cherish. Conversations with old friends (Josh, Wes, Eric, Lilly) are among the things I look forward to most while being here. And being in the prayer room goes without saying. (Randomly, Mike Bickle, the founder of IHOP is in the prayer room currently. Very random. Some day I'd like to have a sit down with him and talk, but I doubt it will ever happen. Maybe he'll approach me? )
Blah, my spirit is just at such unrest. I don't know why. There's something there, and I'm not too sure what it is.
God of Jacob, will you wrestle with me?

Life, Liberty and the pursuitGod of Freedom

So apparently I'm picking this up again. It makes sense with who God's creating me to be; a quiet soul who's less likely to speak and more likely to listen. I get discouraged sometimes for sure, but you let yourself be picked up by the only One Who can pick you up.
I'm not loud. I'm not boisterous. I'm not shallow. I don't seek approval. I won't give approval. I don't manipulate. I'm not a slave.
It seems a lot of who I am today is not only what I am, but also what I'm not.
I am quiet. I'm deep. I seek love. I give love. I care. I am a free son.
Some of you won't understand the ministry God is currently unfolding before me. I can't expect you to. I know the truth that resides in my heart is what I'm seeking after. I will keep my eyes on my God. I will not stray or stop for anyone. This does not mean I will love any less but I will not be hindered in my walk by those around me. I will walk. I will not drag behind me those around me. That is not who I am and not how He intended it. If God's grace can extend to me, a once manipulative, drug-using porn addict, I believe His grace can extend infinitely. And it does. It is not my duty to save the world. I cannot. He can.
God's greatest commandment says it clearly enough.
The pendulum effect obviously comes into play here, so there is the tendency to forget about the 2nd greatest command. However, I will love people. That will never go away. I won't approve of some of their actions, but I will still love them.
And that seems to be something I need to explore more.
What does Jesus' love look like in my life as presented to others?

Loose Lips Sink Ships

Apparently I have an "irrepressible need to be open with everyone" (hb).
That shouldn't be who I am anymore.
When will that ever go away? That is not me.

But it seems it still is because I want to tell everyone everything.
And I'm still dealing with these consequences. People telling me things they shouldn't know, yet I've definitely told them.

I'm tired of my flesh and the war it wages. I am tired of my new self clashing with my old self.
I am still dealing with consequences of my old self. No, I'll never deny that, (in fact with me, I'll tell the whole world was a great sinner I was) but I'm tired of this openness.

Maybe I'll go on a speech fast for a long time.
I like that idea. A lot.