I keep telling myself I am not out here to make money, that it's just a perk above and beyond what I really came out here to do. However, upon seeing my latest check being worth $72.21, I got a little angry and frustrated. No, I did not forget any decimal points or extra numbers. And that was for 56 hours of work. Now, if you do the math, I made roughly $1.29 an hour. Rough eh? I actually make a little more than that, however over $300 was taken out for deposits, meals/housing and the fact they paid me $2 more an hour on my last paycheck. Fun stuff huh?
And then I stop and think...."What exactly do I need this money for?" I have a cell phone bill I pay, so that needs to happen and I could be paying college off but it's not been a major concern as of yet. So, I don't really need it. I guess...it's just seeing very very very little actual fruit of my physical work.
Blah, so many frustrations lately. This is what I wrote on my previous internship blog post:
"So, I haven't written a blog in quite a while. It's not that I've been too busy or haven't had something to write about, it just hasn't happened.
I had an interesting talk with Twan and Greg at lunch one day. It was a hard pill to swallow. You think you can take constructive criticism and then two prophets come along and you suddenly realize you haven't really experienced constructive criticism until now. All of this, this whole internship, this whole "way" of doing ministry, being led by the Spirit...daily...is so foreign to me. Sometimes, I just want to stop, and take a sabbath. But then I ask myself have I really done any work and I honestly don't know. Well, work in a Kingdom sense. I do have a job out here, working 40ish hours a week, give or take depending on the week. And it seems that's the problem. I don't know what I'm doing, I barely have an idea of my role. I feel like I'm playing football and just have no idea what the game is or where I belong. So I find myself attempting to be the quarterback and failing or the running back and failing too. I think you understand where I'm going with this. And it's not that I'll never know these things, but currently I don't which makes life and functioning very difficult when I literally don't know what to do other than pray almost constantly that God would show me what He wants of me. And I'm such an outgoing guy that I want to meet these people I'm surrounded by, I want to know them and comfort them and speak into their lives and I know no other way than by getting to know them, which is almost exactly opposite from what most of the other people in the internship are doing. It bugs and frustrates me so much to see Twan and Greg just literally stand back and almost seemingly do nothing. But it only looks like nothing to me because I'm not looking with the right eyes. I don't understand their prayer, I don't understand or see the battlefield around me. And with no understanding or sight comes no action on my part. And then because of this blindess and lack of understanding on my part, what actual good can come from me meeting these people and getting to know them besides meeting a basic desire to know and be known. These have been my frustrations of late. "
so what now?
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