Deus Caritas Est

Rantings About Marriage

2011-07-23T22:29:00.002-04:00

So, here's my warning. I'm going to say some pretty black and white statements about things such as marriage and singleness and such. I'm talking strictly about myself, and not as a general rule. Also, it seems, as I've gotten to writing a part of this already, I'm on a tangent from the original intent to express my joys and longings for marriage. I'll get to that soon.

Coming home to an empty house is such a sad event (see, this is one of those things I was referring to). I dislike every part of it. I dislike the cold feeling of a dark house, of a place that is exactly the way I left it. I dislike the large amount of space. Luckily, I am renting a very "lived in" house. Someone actually lives here full time. This isn't an apartment or dorm room that I'm just going to occupy for the next year or so. It's nice, knowing this is a home and not just a space.

But it's not my home.

I want a home. I don't care for much space, I've never needed it ( in terms of a dwelling place ). Heck, I currently sleep in a closet. I feel for the past several years now, I've not so much shared a room with my roommates, but I've simply been a guest in their room. In some ways, I'm very fortunate. My current and former roommates are clean people and have decently nice things and a nice sense of where things should go in a space. I'm grateful for those spaces and that I was able to occupy them, but I've never felt them to be "mine". It's never my room. I hope someday to maybe have a sense of that. A sense of belonging.

But I am an alien in these lands. Does an emissary ever feel at home in a foreign land?

I do long for space. I long for a good patch of wooded area right outside the house. I long for a lake within walking distance so I can take days off of work to teach my kids to swim in the summer. I long for the open air of the country, where you can actually see the stars at night, not just imagine them where they should be. Where crickets are louder than cars, and when the deafening silence catches you off-guard. I long to know my neighbors, to have cook-outs, to invite them over to dinner so our kids can play.
I long for long country roads, the kind where you can bike for miles and miles and never leave your own road. That, it seems, is as close to home as I can imagine. That was my home. 11580W 750N. I'll never forget that address as long as I live. It seems cruel that it was ripped away from me, at such a crazy and tumultuous time in my life. Divorces are a nasty business. We needed to sell the house. One parent alone could not keep up with the upkeep of it all. Mow the lawn, clean the cutters, rake the leaves, clean the roof, shovel the snow etc... And I'll never know to this day what kind of financial state my parents were in. Money was the one thing you did not talk about, especially when it was their money. Sure, we had droughts. Mom and Dad would be honest with us and say things are slow at work, or Dad would get laid off, and brother and I would just nod and understand. It's not like we had a lot to begin with, but we did fine with what we had.

I miss those days so much. Those days of a blissful ignorance of the way things really were. Of a time when friday nights meant a bonfire and the hardest decision of the week was who was going to host. No one ever really minded hosting, in fact some of us found pride in this, myself included. We learned how to use our space. That dug up hole in the ground, surrounded by rocks, man it has some stories to tell. Too much gasoline, eyebrows burned off, cans exploding up and over the house, fireworks going off without warning. And laughter. I enjoyed having people over. I didn't have much, but I learned quickly I did have space and on Friday and Saturday nights, it made me rich. People brought whatever they had lying around. Bag of chips here, some soda there, and on a good night, the local pizza shop would have some extra pizzas left over at the end of the night, and we would eat like kings.

But those days are gone. I am tempted to call them the "good ol' days" as one is wont to do. And those days are old, and they are good. But good days are ahead as well. And there have been good days since then. Bethel dorms, Wyoming mountains, Hawaiian Islands, streets of Mishawaka. It's a different type of good. A holy, wholly good, it seems.

And I'm engaged. I wish I could express the sheer joy and magnitude of this feeling welling up within me. I just never want her to leave. I'm sure, one day, I may want to leave (not in a totally give up sense of the phrase, but I'll need to get out of the house) and see some good guy friends, play some Euchre and drink some Jones or IBC, because beer doesn't taste good, and wine and Euchre just somehow don't fit. But right now, I want to come home to her, I want her to come home to me, I want to drive her to work and pack her a lunch and comfort her after long hard days and fall asleep next to her and wake up next to her. She is home. She will be family soon.

I don't have some deep conclusion to this, a lesson in which to draw from the many words I've used. I know there have been lessons along the way, but for now I'm content with getting this out of my head.

Homesick for a time

2011-07-12T16:06:00.004-04:00

I guess I have a lot of thoughts in my head that haven't been allowed to be spoken. Sort of like a silent movie, without the subtitles.

I don't see many people these days, and you'd think it would be a restful time but this doesn't feel restful. Doing nothing is not restful. It's lethargic.

Yes, lethargic is almost the most adequate word.

I find myself in the waiting place. Waiting for people to come back, waiting for a job to start, just waiting.

I want to do something, I need to do something, but what? I guess this is the start. Should I blog for the next 40 days, or should I try cooking a different dish every night or start working out or running or enter into the putt-putt tournament Wednesday nights.

I'm home-sick for a time, not a place. A time when I had things to occupy this abnormally large amount of time I find myself with. I'm home-sick for a purpose, a direction, for movement.

Transition.

Moving from one thing to the next. Is that where I am? Where in the world am I going?

30,000 feet

2011-01-02T08:51:00.002-05:00

I'm about 30,000 feet in the air right now. Sort of dehydrated because this water is quenching my burning throat. One little cup isn't going to cut it.
And the injustice of it all; open seats in first class. Wonder if I had asked earlier, I could have been bumped up. (I did get a nifty little free blanket).
I think the thing about flying is that I am completely out of control. Every time the engine gets louder or softer, or we bank left or right, or gain or lose a bit of altitude, I immediately come to attention, as if there really is something going wrong and I'm the first to notice, as if I could actually do something about it.
I could totally go for some more water. The gentlemen in front of me didn't get their drinks so maybe the stewardesses will take pity on a parched soul. I'm rationing the water now, each sip is half the size of the last (theoretically, at this rate, I'll never run out).
She had mercy, another cup of water is on it's way.
My throat now has an abundance of this wonderfully cooling liquid.

Little Comfort in my prayers

2010-12-10T17:34:00.002-05:00

We're allowed to be sad, right?
We're allowed to be grieved when things don't go the way we think they should go, especially when we know to the best of our ability that we're being obedient to the Spirit? So where do you even go from there? When you've uprooted your family, moved to a far away place, barely making it month to month financially, what do you do? Is it wrong to feel that praying in those situations gives you little comfort?
I wonder if that's then a reflection on how you're viewing God at that point. Who/what is to blame? I'm not saying God is to blame, but we'd sure like to point a finger at something, even if it is ourselves.
I don't think we'll always have a finger to point.
Why is it I always feel kicked, especially when I'm down?
I think it's because when I'm standing, those blows mean little to me, but the second I'm down, they all feel like the end of the world.
Maybe Spring Break will be somewhere else?
Who knows.....?

untitled

2010-11-12T23:53:00.002-05:00

All I wanted was food and a movie
It's really not too much to ask for
I didn't want my eyes opened to the pain
And I got so much more than I bargained for

Waiting in line, I saw her bloodied up face
The sad look in her eyes told a story
Bruises and blood covered her features
A shell of her once beautiful glory

All she wanted was love and acceptance
It's really not too much to ask for
Instead she got a backhand and a fist
So much more than she bargained for

Taking a bus back to the good old home
Running away from his fire
Tears stream down "I think i'll be okay,
It' just that I am so tired"

Waiting in line for my pizza
On her arms are the marks of her hate
She says she had a really bad day
The numbness, she just had to sate

My words of comfort seem empty and shallow
You've made these yourself, the wounds are so deep
The pain brings you comfort, it awakens whats left
But the price is getting so steep

The children are crying in the streets
Motherless, fatherless
Arms stretched towards everything but the Heavens
They'll soon drown in their own tears, they'll all soon bleed out

These are the stores we need to enter into.
Ask for your eyes to be open, you'll see the pain, the hurt, the misery.
Loves wins, but it wins at a cost.
Are you willing to have your heart shatter for these people?
Your brothers and sisters, the lost sheep of the flock?
This is not easy, this is not clean, this is not painless.
He did not promise us this would be easy, clean or painless
Only that it will be worth it.
It. Will. Be. Worth. It.

Shabbat

2010-11-11T09:24:00.002-05:00

I sit here, 9:25am on a Thursday morning. I've been up for 2 hours and since being up, I've helped move a grand piano. I feel accomplished. But today is meant to be a day of rest, and it's funny how everyone simply believes rest to be inaction. We need to get out of this mindset. Mark 2:27 sums it up nicely. The sabbath is such a gift to us, but let me suggest a different way of looking at it. I don't know how much scripture I can quote here, but I'll do my best to ground my words in scriptural truth (I say that very intentionally because all scripture is truth, but not all truth is found in scripture...wrestle with that for a bit).

It seems in the context of Matthew 12:43-45, and this basic idea that you have to replace a lie with truth or no real good is done, that you should do the same with the Sabbath. (And please know, these probably aren't my original ideas...Ecc 1:9).

But it seems to me that Sabbath should not just be a day of pure inaction. I feel like the Pharisees tried doing that and it failed. If the Sabbath was made for man, to stop doing that which makes us weary, does simple inaction cure this? I don't think so. I think the actions and daily activities that make us so weary need to be replaced with things that give us a simply joy, and peace and make us laugh, or make us take a deep breath (go ahead, take a deep breath, it will feel so good). Today is my sabbath. I've helped move a piano and I'm going to do quite a bit of homework today. Go figure, right? But, you know, it's going to be restful. I generally don't do homework. This is going to be fun, I'm excited to write some of these papers, to do a good job on these assignments. And I'm going to enjoy it. I enjoy blogging and expressing my ideas which is why you're reading this on this particular day. And at some point, I may lay by the pond and watch the leaves fall. They dance for me on the wind. :)

So, basically, on your "days off", find something, anything, that gives you joy. If you enjoy gardening, do it. If you want to chill at Steak 'N Shake, grab a milkshake and read about Jesus, do it. If you want to drive until your gas tank is half empty and then come back, do it. If you have NO idea what would give you this simple joy in life, stop and ask. Our Father loves to give us good gifts and knows us better than we know ourselves. I'm sure the creator of the universe has some good ideas. And, honestly, if your day involves a nap, do it! Watch a movie, laugh, cry, weep, jump for joy, go swing, go for a jog, read a book for pleasure, make yourself a ridiculous sandwhich, go to a concert, chill at a coffee shop, breathe deep because this is the day God has given us to enjoy. Be with your Father this day, beloved!

Just a few things swimming around in my head....

2010-11-01T09:43:00.002-04:00

lack of expectation
blamelessness
living above reproach
lies
truth
doubt
assurance
homework
responsibility
suffering servant
friends

Untitled (Monday, January 19, 2009)

2010-10-21T00:31:00.001-04:00

This pain that I have has no cause, rhyme or reason
Let me rip my heart open, let me show you the season

Unannounced it comes down like some fires from Hell
Demons who gnaw at you, wishing you well

Your chains are so heavy, click-clacking behind
But onward you press, and you slowly resign

They've always been there, like some unwanted cyst
Maybe you should end it, would you really be missed?

Lies and deceit slowly cloud o'er your vision
Somewhere along you've forgotten the mission

This disease, it's spreading, and it cracks your skin dry
You sit down and ponder and ask yourself "Why?"

This water you've heard of with some great renown
Don't let it touch you for surely you'll drown

Or not quite, but maybe, but surely...you think
You look at your chains, every last solemn link

Could life be unhindered, without chains could you see
A life without bondage, dare you say free?

Can freedom exist in such an unbridled state?
Your chains are so heavy, is this really your fate?

Breath..Relax...Accept....Keep.....Enjoy.....

2010-10-14T15:10:00.004-04:00

I think those five words are a good acronym.
B reathe
R elax
A ccept
K eep
E njoy

I'm currently on Fall Break (it could possibly be the last one i ever have...crazy) and I'm wondering what it is I want from this break. I see people studying, getting work done and I'm all for that, except I don't really have a lot of work to be doing currently.
So I'm in Chicago with a friend and his family. It's been a few years since I've had to privilege of staying here and living life with these folks.
And this is Fall Break, a break from what I have been doing, which is work at the Olive Garden and school work as well. I intend to break from the normal routine of what I normally would be doing and take a few days to step outside of that.

So, in essence, I want to break to act as a brake. I want to stop, stop doing whatever it is I have been doing normally (i.e school work and actual work).

And, I feel like the words in and of themselves are fairly self-explanatory however, do you notice the progression of the words themselves?
In order to relax, I must first breathe, and breathe deep. When was the last time you stopped and took a deep breath inward, held it for a second, then released? And not with the motivation of a sigh or frustration but a simple wanting to stop and relax?
So, once we've stopped and breathed, then relaxed, we should accept that which is put in front of us. "What exactly is it that we're accepting?" you may ask. Well, whatever blessing that happens to be placed in our path, whether it is an opportunity to go to Chicago, or simply the opportunity to read a favorite book. You have freedom in this option. Pick something and accept it's goodness.
And how often do we attempt to reject a blessing? Honestly, out of some self-righteous humbleness that won't allow anyone to do anything nice for you, how many times, when someone has wanted to pay for our meal, or give us a ride, or give us a gift, do we reply "Oh, you don't have to, but thank you anyway." or "No, it's okay, I can pay for my own meal" or any other plethora of excuses. We are still denying the blessing which someone wants to give us.
So keep it! Keep whatever blessing we may find, whether it is the time to read a book, or an opportunity to see loved ones. Please do not rob someone the opportunity to bless you. If they want to, please truly humble yourself and allow yourself to be served.
And then enjoy it! Why do we feel guilty when given a gift, like we don't deserve it? What exactly do you think you'll need to do in order to deserve someone paying for your gift? (now, as a side note, there is a difference here between simple gifts, and rewards. Yes, you should not accept praise or rewards for a deed in which you clearly had no part in. That is deceit.) However, when a loved friend wants to bless you with someone purely out of the fact that they are able, once you have accepted and kept it, allow yourself to enjoy it. What other purpose is there to a gift than to enjoy it? It's pointless if you don't enjoy that which has been given to you.
So, here's to hoping my break can be a brake.

On growing up and blamelessness and living Miracles

2010-10-10T10:34:00.003-04:00

I'm not 100% when the transition was made from child to adult. I don't think I remember waking up one morning, and having this thought in my head, telling me I'm suddenly an adult. Obviously, becoming 18 years old was a pretty big deal. And, in the eyes of the world, 21 should have been a bigger deal than it was.
These thoughts I have in my head these days are beyond me sometimes. Conversations with friends about topics I never would have dreamed I'd comprehend, much less want to even think about. Blamelessness, brother/sister relationship in Christ, baptism of the Holy spirit, Body of Christ, Church, church, Hawaii, Houston.
Sometimes I need encouragement. As it is, I doubt is not something I struggle with at the present moment, however I do honestly wonder how far I've really come in these past crazy 4 years of college. And all it seems I have to do it take a look back at those years, at the person I was, and then take a sober look at who I am now.

I.am.a.living.miracle.

So, that's a little intense you may say. And I would venture to say it doesn't begin to describe things. Miracles from God generally exist for one purpose: To bring you into a deeper knowledge of Himself. By healing you, by raising you from the dead, from giving you life and breath, He seeks to be known more fully by you. You.Are.The.Miracle. Do we grasp this? Do we grasp that our God is a God of the supernatural, the ever-healing Presence? You once were dead, lost in a world full of bondage, sin and hatred. And at some point (and maybe this hasn't even happened for some of you), you had an encounter with the living God. And from that moment on, you were never the same. No, so your addiction didn't go away over night (or maybe it did), or your thought processes were still roughly the same (or maybe they weren't). It's taken God 4 years to work some things out in my life. Do I *blame* God for that? I praise Him! He is working in my life! Who am I to put a time-restraint on that?
And now, do you understand what happens when we have this perspective?
The focus in no longer on the *means by which the miracle occurs*. Yes, we praise God for the healed infirmity, yes we praise God for the moment of inconceivable Joy we experience, and yes we praise God for the money which seemed like it would never come. However, all of those things have their purpose and their place: To draw you into a deeper and more intimate relationship with your Heavenly Father. Do we grasp that? Are we able to look past His gifts towards He who gives them?
You.Are.The.Miracle.
Praise Him and accept His invitation to be known in a more full and intimate way.

On Life.....

2010-10-09T10:30:00.002-04:00

So I want to blog, but every time I sit down at the chair, and and attempt to begin, my thoughts are as blank as the empty space I want them to occupy. Irony.
Nothing worth writing? No, there's plenty of things to bring God glory these days, new friends, the job, an up and coming, much needed fall break at a good friends house.
I think I'm caught in a loop these days which goes something like this...
Heavy burden....struggle.....take it off.....relax. Rise and repeat.
Can't seem to keep the weariness at bay for long, but this is more of what being an adult will be like than I've ever experienced. Working for rent/food. I mean, no, the classes will be ending soon, and the college era of my life will soon be done. No, not the burden, but definitely the NEED to work because of the NEED to pay bills. I don't have many, but they're enough to keep track of. I don't need/want anymore. Forget ever trying to own a new car, (as for a future mortgage, I think that one is avoidable as well, though I've not given much thought to it, I figure I do the whole apartment thing for a long long time).

Hmm...speaking of work, I must go, for today is a double and I'm not quite awake.

Farewell friends, may you find rest in the Lord this day and may He grant you peace as you go about your daily activities. May you find plenty of excuses to praise His name and so fewer to forget Him.

escape

2010-09-16T01:17:00.001-04:00

...and we'll just choose a few hours and erase them from our schedules. They simply won't exist, sort of an anti-schedule. Your day will only have 22 hours instead of 24. 1pm, 2pm, 4pm, 5pm will be the accepted daytime rhythm. In that empty space, we'll create meaning and find existence we previously were unaware of. We'll escape into our own wardrobe for a few hours, and come back; maybe not wiser, but with the sweet taste of a laugh on our lips, and a twinkle in our eyes that speaks deeper to your soul than any word ever could.

Thoughts from an open window

2010-09-14T08:17:00.002-04:00

The crickets are the most beautiful sound in the world at this very moment. They wash over me memories of home. The cool wind gently creeps its way into my living space, nudging and poking in the most comforting of ways. Welcome back, old friend. Soon you'll be joined by my thicker blankets. But I welcome you.

There is peace and solace in the silence of the night. Come with me to find it. At a moments notice, the silence will be momentarily deafening as our brains recall what it is again that we've been missing.

Close your eyes. Breathe deep. Rest.

Dealing

2010-09-09T16:29:00.002-04:00

We all have those days, and it sucks when you have them. And when you see someone else have them, it's so easy to say "shake it off" because at that moment, it's what you would do. You're not having a bad day. A roommate just had his $700 bike stolen from the driveway today. Bike lock was cut clean in half. Man, that sucks. And...I almost feel guilty for having a good day. I bought a $50 ring from Wal-Mart to cover up the tattoo on my finger at work. The guy I'm training with informed me he had a spare ring I could borrow/have (not sure on that). So I tried returning it two days ago and they wouldn't let me because of a small technicality. And sometimes I go with the flow a little too much. I understood the technicality, and I walked away, but then I thought "That's $50 I'll never see again spent on something I am not going to use". So I went back today and successfully returned it.
Life throws you curves. And let me tell you this, it is not because you're a bad person, it is not because God is "punishing" you. Bad things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people, good things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people. That's just the way it is. But you have to trust that no matter where you fall in that spectrum, God is still there and is still in control. It may not seem like it on days when you get your bike stolen, but He is.

No title

2010-08-17T17:18:00.003-04:00

And yet again, I'll start with the cliche line "So, it's been a while since I last updated". Once I was writing in this thing almost on a daily basis, maybe bi-daily or tri-daily, but either way there was consistency.
I'm now living off of Edison in Waterford Glen. I just got back from playing with the neighborhood kids. There are like 10 of them. It's sort of ridiculous but in the best possible way. They come to the door all the time wanting us to play or to borrow the longboards. Cracks me up.
It's an insanely big blessing whenever I get to play with kids. I can hardly remember being one myself, I mean I wasn't just born with this beard, but it was a long time ago.
And I'm sick these days. Tomorrow I'm going to the school doctor to see what's going on. I just hope it has nothing to do with my tonsils. That would not be good.
My voice is pretty much shot at this point. Go figure. I scream and scream at camp trying to lose it, and now i get sick and completely lose it.
I don't write on this as much as I would like but I'm still glad I have it so I can read what other people write and be incredibly blessed by it.

Are we this serious???

2010-07-24T03:02:00.002-04:00

"Christ's call is to save the lost, not the stiff-necked; He came not to call scoffers but sinners to repentance; not to build and furnish comfortable chapels, churches, and cathedrals at home in which to rock Christian professors to sleep by means of clever essays, stereotyped prayers, and artistic musical performances, but to capture men from the devil's clutches and the very jaws of Hell. This can be accomplished only by a red-hot, unconventional, unfettered devotion, in the power of the Holy Spirit, to the Lord Jesus Christ."
C.T Studd

"When we are in hand-to-hand conflict with the world, the flesh, and the devil himself, neat little Biblical confectionery is like shooting lions with a pea-shooter; God needs a man who will let go and deliver blows right and left as hard as he can hit, in the power of the Holy Ghost. Nothing but forked-lightning Christians will count."
C.T Studd

A new morning

2010-06-24T14:11:00.002-04:00

Last night was good. Drew and I prayed together and a lot of issues came to the surface.
The computer is dismantled (I am currently in the computer lab.) The desk has been redeemed and is currently a "prayer station". Essentially, you sit there and you pray. That is what that desk's purpose is now.
I've been in contact with Steve Ortmann about Houston. Again, still keeping that with an open hand. Just praying about it and for them at this point.
I realized I'm scared of what they are planning on doing.
In theory, selling all of my things and moving to a poverty stricken place (Houston, of all places, whose temperature in the summer feels like Hell), seems easy enough.
But when Susie asks me to go to the Catholic Worker, I'm scared (I'm going Tuesday). Scared of what? I don't know, but I'm moving past it. I think it's my flesh that's completely uncomfortable and my flesh has been quite comfortable these past few weeks.\
Haggai is a good little book. Wow. Especially when read in the context of the American Church....
When you hear "signet ring", what do you think of?

Prayer please from a broken man....

2010-06-23T23:42:00.003-04:00

Confess your sins to one another...
This seems a bit informal, but I still want to do it.
I need prayer. I'm humbly asking you, whoever you are, to please pray for/with me.
I have recently gone through a time of struggle with lust, and repeated times of giving in.
In my head, I know I am free from this, yet my heart...it's forgotten and I find those familiar metal cuffs around my wrists, feeling the weight and burden.
I do not like myself when I return to my own vomit. I feel I am no good to myself or others when I'm like this.
If drastic measures need to be taken, then so be it.
Jesus says cut your eye out if it causes you to sin.

On Blessings....

2010-06-18T00:12:00.002-04:00

They come in all shapes and sizes.
I took a full week off work to go to Kansas to be a counselor. No, I didn't get paid to be out there, (though my gas was covered with was awesome).
Now that I look back on it, yeah, it was a step of faith, though it wasn't hard because I wanted to get away from Bethel, away from work, away from roommates (he would say the same thing, don't worry.)
And then coming back, the first three days I didn't have hours for work. I was kind of...frustrated at first but then I realized I get three days to rest and relax after a long hard spiritual week.
Then my boss begins throwing hours at me. Between today, tomorrow and Saturday, I'm working close to 30 hours. That's huge for 3 days and then I'm working 6 straight days next week. Whoa.
It's so weird, but God is still continuing to bless me. Man, I'm not perfect. I hope I've never claimed to be. I don't deserve it, but that's kind of the point, isn't it? Wow.
God, I simply cannot exaggerate how awesome and perfectly holy You are. Continue to show me myself in light of You so I can continue to be humbled.

Ummm.....What????

2010-06-12T12:18:00.002-04:00

So, just got back from Kansas, at a camp called Timber Lakes. I was there for a week with Bethel Summer teams (the camp needed an extra counselor and through God's ridiculous awesomeness, I was contacted and I got to go).
Not even too sure where to go from here to be honest....
Do I mention what I think God is doing in my life?
For fear of failure do I not, just in case it may not happen?
...yeah okay, the second option sounds stupid and of the enemy so ready for this?

Freshman year I meet a guy named Greg Neumayer, and he begins discipling me. This is the first time I begin to understand what a "disciple" of Christ looks like. Yes, the journey has been long and FAR from perfect, but God has been insanely faithful to me.

Fast forward to the summer between freshman and sophomore year of college.
Towards the end, I go to a Baptist summer camp in Michigan for a week from the suggestion from a friend.
While there, I meet a fellow brother in Christ named Dan. We have a lot of the same heart for ministry and we instantly connect.

Please fast-forward again a few months. Sophomore year was a HUGE year of growth and pruning for me. I got connected with a family out in St. Louis who was hardcore into Freedom Ministry and making disciples. I went through the Keystone training, something very anointed by God to make disciples who make disciples. I began to hear stories of families who were completely sold out for the Lord and doing whatever it took to follow Him. I met a the Forest Family at a new years eve party is St. Louis (this was just one of the families I had heard about, among others like the Ortmanss).

Again, if you will, fast forward to May of this year. Dan and I reconnect and he comes to visit me at Bethel. He begins to weave his story of what God has been doing with him. Turns out he's moving to Houston to start a Ministry School that was coming from Mexico (a truly apostolic ministry). He tells me of this random encounter he had with 6 families who were planning on moving to Houston to do disciple-making ministry. He mentioned the Forest family (who I've met) and the Ortmanns (I've heard stories of). I was stoked, mostly for the small-world aspect of God I keep running into. Dan and I write out our connections and just sit and ponder at what God's doing.

Fast forward to last week. I am a counselor at Timber Lakes camp. In my cabin, I have two Ortmanns who are going to Houston, and I meet most of the other Ortmanns teens who are going and meet Ferral Ortmann, one of the parents going as well.
I instantly connect with the teens (ages 13-17 roughly) and see they have RIDICULOUS sold-out hearts for disciple-making ministry as well.

Long and short of it, I feel the Lord may want me in Houston. When? NO idea. Do I want to finish college? Yes, that would be the...wisest...smartest...safest option currently. The families haven't moved yet, they need to sell their houses before going. They hope to be in Houston by August, mostly to get their kids enrolled in the school systems.
Do I want to go? Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes.
I am praying for the Lord to begin to open doors. Open doors of communication, open doors of finances, open doors of peace of this option (if there's freedom in this to choose).
I have a little less than a year left before this option even seems feasible (with finishing college...believe me, I've considering forsaking my senior year and just going). The Lord may also have put on my heart again to fast from meat, this time for the entirety of my senior year of college. That will HAVE to be a calling from Him, otherwise I won't do it. (Not won't as in I'm unwilling, but won't as in I can't fast unless He gives me grace to do it. I've tried doing it in my flesh, and it fails).
The Lord brought me to Habukuk 2, and it gives me a lot of peace.
Then the Lord said to me,

“Write my answer plainly on tablets,
so that a runner can carry the correct message to others.
3 This vision is for a future time.
It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled.
If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently,
for it will surely take place.
It will not be delayed.
There ya go.
Thoughts?

Is God Really That Good?

2010-06-03T09:31:00.003-04:00

I think I'll add something to my last post, just so I can clarify.
About the whole asking thing, here's the deal:
God knows us, inside and out. He WANTS to bless us, and that can mean a whole lot of different things.
Are we allowed to ask for those things, such a nice house, a good paying job...etc? Yes, of course and the question really comes down to "Is God really THAT good" which the answer is a loud, resounding and sometimes surprising "Yes!"
A friend of mine....From the point of being single and not dating anyone...within 7 months he found himself married AND he and his wife moved to Hawaii to support another married couple out there doing ministry, and just recently my friend came into contact with another man whose self-proclaimed full-time ministry is making disciples, something my friend is ALL about.
Is God really that good?
And is your first reaction to that "That could never happen to me?"
WHY NOT? Why wouldn't the God of the universe who sent His only Son to DIE FOR YOU want to bless you? Are you currently in sin? Then STOP. You are NO longer a slave to that sin. Seriously, you DO NOT HAVE TO DO THAT ANYMORE! Humble yourself, SCREAM out for help! Do whatever it takes. Email a friend right now and tell them you're in this sin and you want out. Click send!
I guess most of the point of my last post is God does promise us things and not that we need to expect that those things happen within our time-schedule or that we even need to ask for them, but for our faith and reassurance. Like 1 Corinthians 10:13. What the heck?? He WILL provide you with a way out. That gives me so much hope and joy, knowing that whenever I am tempted, He will provide me with a way out (and He has proven that over and over and over...) And the thing is, I didn't even ask for it most of the time. However, I did begin to recognize what was going on and it made me realize how amazing my God is and I had just one more reason to praise Him! So maybe, this thing about promises, it's just for His praise, to give us MORE reason to praise Him (not that we need it by any means, Jesus was MORE than enough,)
but again
Is God Really that Good?

I. Dare. You.

2010-06-02T09:55:00.002-04:00

So I started reading this book by Francis Chan called "Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of The Holy Spirit"
Wowzers. So I'm on page 50 and there are probably 50 things I could write a blog about, but I just want to touch on one thing.
How many times have you asked God for something and it doesn't happen? Or how many times have you wanted to ask God for something and it didn't happen because of fear?
This is a simple truth that I've talked about before, but Chan added something new to this. Luke 11 is pretty significant in this. The first part of this chapter talks about "how to pray". (Someone remind me to talk about this later, do we really think Jesus meant us to pray EXACTLY this prayer? )
In verse 5, he talks about the two neighbors. Neighbor #1 goes to #2 late at night and asks for bread for a visitor, and #1 has nothing to give to him. #2 initially says, "No, it's late, I'm sleeping go away," but because of #1's boldness (or persistence), the bread will be given to him. Later in Luke, Jesus gives another parable about this persistent Widow. (luke 18). So here we have two EARTHLY examples of what persistence looks like when seeking something.
Jesus then turns around to the things of Heaven and says

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 10For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. 11"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for[f] a fish, will give him a snake instead? 12Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 13If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

So God WANTS to give us the things in which we ask for, ESPECIALLY the Holy Spirit. So, this is kind of revolutionary, but now ask yourselves "What have I asked for, and what have I gotten?" Chan makes a HUGE point here in saying
Do not let your faith be made small when you ask for things that ARE NOT PROMISED by scripture and you do not receive them
Whoa. I think the reason this has hit me so hard recently is because I've wanted to begin studying God's promises. What EXACTLY is it that He has promised His children and what can I rightly expect from Him to provide? But then that naturally leads to, what have I asked Him that He hasn't promised to me? And do I expect that of Him? Is it right to go to your older brother and demand he spend the day with you when he hasn't promised it? (Disclaimer: I'm not saying limit God purely to what He promises in Scripture, I'm only saying let's BEGIN with the things He HAS promised for us, and go from there.)
I think this is HUGE! We've gotten into the habit of praying for things such as a "nice house" or "a good job" etc... And when those things don't come to pass, we point a huge finger at God and ask "What the heck?" But did God EVER promise those things? I don't think so. If we are truly seeking to "be more like Jesus", especially in regards to life, then we should be giving our houses and possessions away! I know Jesus promises we would be hated for loving Him. I know I don't pray that people will begin to hate me, but the point here is that most of what we THINK we deserve (whether we think it or not, we sure as heck are praying for it), God didn't actually promise those things.
And I wonder if people are just interpreting John 10:10 incorrectly. The abundant life? By whose standards?
My Dare For You: Pray that God would begin to show you HIS IDEA of what the ABUNDANT LIFE is supposed to be and that you would begin to exemplify that. I. Dare. You.

Summer Thus Far....

2010-06-01T20:32:00.002-04:00

Hmm first things first, I was reading in Deuteronomy this morning at the suggestion of a friend. I was reading in chapter 6 where the "Sh-Mah" (I did not spell that right) is located. "Hear O Israel, the Lord your God is One...". My friend (Greg) and I talked about this passages a bit (Deut 6:1-12) and what stuck out to him and I. Basically, 6:6 is super important and something not a whole lot of people get. It's about the heart, your heart. It's not about doing things, and you may be tempted to think it is, because the next couple verses speak about things you should DO with these commands, however, go into verse 10 and suddenly, all of these things being laid out are things God WILL DO. Cities you DIDN'T build, good things you DID NOT provide, wells you DID NOT dig, and vineyards and olive groves you DID NOT plant. And these are all things God is going to give to you. And it says when you have finished eating and are satisfied, do not forget the Lord who delivered you from slavery.
I'm not a bible scholar, and I can't begin to tell you about deep biblical proofs or exegetical examples, but I know this: It is simply not about what you can do. Even in the Old Testament when we see all of these laws put in place for us, Moses still points to these two commandments as central tenants of the faith, and says "Take these to heart!!! DO NOT forget these! Tell them to your children, talk about them every day! Write them on your foreheads, on your houses!"
And then way later in the story, Jesus comes along in Mark, and when talking to some teachers, one asks Jesus which law is the most important and Jesus quotes this scripture, then adds "Love your neighbor as yourself" and the teacher agreed with him (which is generally a good thing to do, I've found). It simply can't be what we can do. We aren't slaves to that law, the law of DO, but so much more the law of grace or Law of BE. Make sure your heart is right, much more so than what your words profess or what your actions are doing. Yes, charity and volunteer work is good, but God wants a heart after His. Those things should NOT come out of a simple feeling of obligation. They should come out of an overflow of who He is transforming you to be.

Yeeaaahhh. Okay :) So, works a little slow these days. The D.C doesn't have a whole lot of hours, so I recently applied at Starbucks. I did this because I will have a car very soon, so I'll actually be able to have a job off-campus which is a pretty exciting thing. (I've honestly been waiting for Tradewinds to have a job opening, but that place has a small turn-around rate which is good for business). I was going to go to the beach, but a friend who was going with us found out (through a lot of pain and a hospital visit) that she has a kidney stone. They are extremely painful so she's on some pain-killers.
Anddd....a scan just came back saying my computer is virus/malware free. Can I get a whoop whoop?
I made the first of three payments on Susie's car. I took it to the shop today...

(P.S...let me just say...
PERRY AUTOMOTIVE...ON MCKINLEY JUST PAST CAPITOL STREET< BLUE BUILDING, YELLOW SIGN-- $10 basic oil changes. Kid you not. Go there now.)

...and the mechanic said the back suspension is broken (I kind of figured) and something about the front axel, but it's not an immediate concern). All in all, if I drop a grand into it, it should last me for a little while, at least (hey, Jesus said He's coming back in a little while, so I'd be okay with this car lasting me a little while :) )
I got to speak some truth into a sister's life today which was so good and refreshing. I think I got on the kick for a while that if I wasn't directly speaking truth (literally) into someones life, I wasn't be used, but I've come away from that a bit. :) Love is good and can be expressed in many different forms and fashions. And if I'm to be silent, but love, then so be it and it will be good.

No More Storms At Sea For Me

2010-05-27T22:23:00.002-04:00

I feel like I'm constantly on a boat in the middle of the ocean and the smallest wave scares me and makes me run into hiding. I don't know always how to stand strong in my weakness, how to let Him be strong for me. But I am trying.
I am saying no to temptation. It's no longer just because of busyness that I avoid sin. I do not wish to be help captive to this, to anything other than grace. I will be a slave to Grace for I can never repay what was done for me.
I'm always either the prodigal son or the older brother.
I'm meant to become more like the father.
I read a very encouraging prayer the other day, given to me by a dear sister. It was a poem by Mother Teresa:

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

I can't quite explain to you why this resonated so much within me, however I think when read in the context of Galatians 1:10, it makes so much sense. I've tried so hard and so long to win the approval of man (my parents, my friends, mentors, teachers, family) in various ways (potential school choice, extra-curriculars, vacations) and while I do feel fulfilled for a time, it still leaves me feeling empty. Why do we constantly drink a water that leaves us thirsty? I desire for Him and Him alone. That's why I'm at Bethel, it's why I have $20,000+ in loans to pay off when I could have attended any other school for free. It's affected every part of my life and I want it to permeate who I am.
It's no longer your faith or the faith of my parents or friends or mentors, but my own. It's between me and Him.
And I am accountable to my brothers and sisters. I'm never above Godly, righteous reproach from anyone, whether it be someone pouring into me or someone I'm pouring into.
And we do learn from each other, don't we? I've learned just as much from you (Whoever you are) as I hope you've learned from me. This isn't just a one-way road. It's not even a two-way road, but a three-way, one leading between you and I and the other two leading from us heaven bound.
Yet another chapter in this life He has graced me with. Chapter....oh I've lost count at this point.

Couldn't have said it better myself...

2010-05-18T19:17:00.001-04:00

Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos. ~Charles M. Schulz

The Summer Thus Far...

2010-05-16T23:30:00.003-04:00

Whattowritewhattowrite?
I've been encouraged more these past few days than I have in a long time. Stagnation is such an ugly thing, and so is drifting. You never drift towards intimacy, always away from it. And I've been a piece of driftwood for far too long.
I am not an island. Seems to be my mantra lately.
How many bridges have I burned, I wonder. I know of many.
Some of the most healing words, coming from one I hurt.

Don't dwell on the past, I didn't go anywhere. I'm still here.. I'm still your friend.

I cannot even begin to express the healing that brought me.

Life is getting difficult. People are leaving and I don't quite know how to say "See you later."

Self-placed burdens are being lifted finally.

I am not an island

Changes...

2010-05-03T18:08:00.002-04:00

Senior. Once again, that word directly applies to me and my current situation because I am one.
Will the transition from college into this supposed "real world" be as stark as the one from high school to college?
Paying back thousands of dollars in debt.
Working a 9-5 M-f does not sound appealing.
I want to live in Hawaii in a tent in a national forest or a state park.
Get OUT of debt ASAP.
I want to live in a building on Western Street in South Bend with other families and live in community.
I want to go to Greece with Kostas in a year. Hang out there for a month or so and get some culture in my blood. It's filled with far too much American everything.
That's a long way away.
Right now, I have essentially a full-time job. I have a roof over my head and money to eat with and friends who are still in the area (some longer than others).
So, in essence, I don't know what I want necessarily, or at least the specifics.
Good.
Gives God more room to work in my life. Gives me WAY more options.
He has me. Always has, always will.
I trust You.

Unknown...

2010-05-02T20:27:00.004-04:00

I don't know.....
I really wish I did, but I don't.

I'm so distant, Your voice rings out so silently.
You move farther away, but it's me that's really moving.
Like a moving sidewalk I can't seem to shake.
Running against the stream and sometimes it's so easy to stop
and be carried away.
Against my will? Is it my will to stop?
When did this happen? When did this happen?
I don't have to live like this. I don't have to live like this,I don't have to live like this. I don't have to live like this.

Pretty Much Done

2010-04-30T16:06:00.002-04:00

Well, classes are finally over but it seems as I've passed one set of hoops to jump through, another appear on the horizon.
I was told I was staying in my current place of residence on campus until the end of May, however I've just recently found out that I need to move out most likely on Monday. So, all that cleaning I should have been doing during finals week, I didn't because...well I thought I didn't have to. And now I do.
Not the biggest thing in the world to worry about, but something else. :)
Susie is staying local. She has a place to stay and a semi-full time job. I say semi because she'll be staying at the Catholic Worker, a community of sorts in South Bend and in exchange for free room and board, she works/volunteers there. So, some of her time will be devoted to that, but she also has a full-time job on campus as well. It's a big blessing to say the least.
I do not know what this summer will hold. I do not know how Bethel Catering will go, or how I will enjoy working 30-35 (maybe...dare I say 40) hours a week again. Once I get into the groove of things, it becomes second nature and I actually begin to enjoy it, especially now being local with people I know around who I can spend time with.
Some friends from back home called last night and it looks like we may hang out sometime soon. This will be...something else. It's been a few years since I've seen some of these guys. We'll see how it goes.

I should update, I suppose...

2010-04-27T12:13:00.002-04:00

Life. Is. Crazy.
Finals this week...oh boy. So much work to do, but I see the light.
Stayin' local this summer, working for the computer lab and for Sodexho Catering. By June, both combined will be about 40 hours. That will definitely do.
I don't know where Susie will be, and neither does she currently. It's a little scary because up until this point, the "plan" was that she would stick around until August, but plans change as they so often do, so she may be home quite a bit sooner than previously anticipated. (I'm avoiding using the word "expected" because I do not like expectations...they cause trouble, especially when not met.) I don't like the idea of distance, but...it will be okay. I don't know what that means right now, but I know things will be okay.
Next semester is looking quite nice. I'm getting off campus with 4 other solid, quality guys. Three of them are going to Notre Dame in the fall and myself and the 5th man are staying at Bethel for our senior year. It will be nice to have a townhouse to ourselves, not have to deal with curfew, or that pesky rated R movie rule. And despite being 21, I still am not drinking until my time at Bethel is done. The Notre Dame boys will be able to indulge and that's fine. They have that freedom and I won't hold them to a "no-alcohol" rule by any means. And next semesters schedule is looking awesome. Ask me about it sometime. I'll tell you. Best semester yet as far as open time is concerned. And Philosophy of Film course? Heck. Yes.
God...has been aloof these days, well, I have been aloof these days. It would have pained me to say that before, but it is what it is, and I'm not above being broken and distant which are two things I'm definitely recognizing in myself lately. School gets so busy.
This summer will be good, so good. No homework constantly looming over my head. My only *honest* worries will be budgeting money so I can eat everyday. That, and rent. I'm honestly hoping this will encourage and spur me on to begin and keep some sort of disciple in my life (some working out, some daily time with Dad....not in order of importance). Those are so much needed in my life right now. Some sort of...peace and relaxation that I desperately need but cannot seem to find anywhere other than in His presence.

Wowzers

2010-04-05T08:22:00.002-04:00

Talk about a crazy Easter.
Did not
expect this weekend
at all.
All I can do is smile at this point and think back to....
...lot's of little hands and feet....and lots of cuddling
So so so many good meals.....
Zebras and camels and lemurs....oh my...
Bike ride to a babbling brook just to exist
Tears and snakes in a cemetery
Realizing each day it's getting easier and easier to love you, that it's no longer hard and bumpy but smooth and natural.
A stupid, prissy dog.
And more family....and more family.
Besides, it's just a salad. :)

Lo Siento

2010-03-23T09:45:00.001-04:00

I won't be updating this one too much for a while.
I have a real journal that needs filling.
It's true.

2010-03-15T23:44:00.001-04:00

Testing testing.

T Pepin

2010-03-10T15:31:00.002-05:00

On Tuesday, March 9th, my cousin Talon Pepin went Home. He was battling brain cancer, and some say he lost that battle.
But he's Home. He is hanging out with Jesus right now and that is such a better place to be.
We're all going to miss him and I cannot even begin to fathom the pain and hurt his parents and two siblings are experiencing right now.
I know I hurt. I don't grieve for the dead, I grieve at the existence of death.
Families move away, cousins don't see each other nearly as much as we used to.
Thanksgiving and Easter were always the big Pepin holidays, at Aunt Patty's and Uncle Duke and Aunt Katie's.
Life changes, people move away.
In all honesty, I want to see my family this weekend but....there will be so many tears. I'm afraid of that pain and sorrow.
How does one mourn or grieve in a healthy way?
I lost my grandma and grandpa a few years ago, I was at the hospital when she passed. I hate death so much.
Things. Just. Stop.

Possible Summer Internship?

2010-03-05T17:48:00.000-05:00

Restoring Eden is a national ministry that encourages Christians to learn to love, serve, and protect
God's creation. Our goal is to empower Christians to engage in faithful stewardship of the natural
world through education, public advocacy, environmental stewardship, and nature appreciation.
We accept our responsibility to examine our role as Christians in pursuing solutions and to
consider the impact of our lives upon the earth and humanity.

POSITION SUMMARY
Restoring Eden is growing, and we want to spread the word about our JUSTpower campaign. This
summer, we are traveling to Christian music festivals around the country as part of an effort to
inform and mobilize Christians who care about the earth and the impact we have on it.
We are looking for 2 – 4 interns to join us this summer. As an intern, you will have the opportunity
to be a key part of the growing Christian environmental movement at a very exciting time, get
experience in grassroots organizing, and develop invaluable contacts in the nonprofit world.
ELEGIBILITY
We are seeking passionate, motivated applicants who want to stand together against
environmental injustice and who have the following qualities:
• Ability to speak comfortably about the connection between Christian faith and caring for
creation.
• Flexible and willing to do some traveling if necessary.
• Excellent oral and written communication skill
• A demonstrated interest in environmental issues.
• Well‐organized
COMMITMENT
Hours: Full‐time
When: June – August, 2010 (dates are negotiable)
Where: Based out of Minneapolis, MN
COMPENSATION
$10‐$12/hr
In addition, Restoring Eden will cover work‐related travel expenses.

Oh man.....

All sorts of I don't know....

2010-03-03T20:28:00.003-05:00

I wasn't too sure what I was going to do with myself this week and to be honest, I still don't.
I need to be with Him. It's kind of becoming ridiculous, honestly. I had some good time with Him this morning, continuing on in the Old Testament and rocking out to Crowders "A Collision" in the shower (I never want to shower music-less again).
So why this deep sadness? Is this intercession again? He's been showing me prayer a lot, and sometimes I get frustrated that I can't separate my own emotions from those He gives me (if that's truly what this is in the first place).

As of February 22nd, 2010, I am free, free of a ten year addiction to pornography. Ridiculous, right? It's not the same. Before, I felt like a lamb being led to the slaughter, something I had no control in, and now I have a say, I have a choice.
But please know in all of this, this isn't me. This isn't by my own power at all. God answered a prayer. Sitting in Greg's living room with my friends surrounding me in prayer (those physically present and those who interceded from afar), God did something big. I don't know exactly what, but I now know that I am awake after being dead, that I am a slave to righteousness and not sin.

just found out whose emotions I am feeling....wow.

Day 3 and going strong.

2010-03-03T13:29:00.002-05:00

Tuesday went very well.
Woke up decently early and headed to the library to collect some books for the metaphysics paper I'm attempting to write. This one is a doozie and it's always hard for me to write papers because I have a hard time narrowing things down to one topic. Hopefully Meister will go with my plan of extending the paper deadline so I can make it better?
Watched a movie with Garrett and then had dinner with him and Ray at Ponderosa. Then we went back and wanted to watch Dogma but couldn't find a copy so we ended up watching The Proposal. Funnny.
This week has given me hope for quite a few things. At first, the idea of Greg and Lyndee moving away was a bit scary. They're two of my closest friends and Greg's been pouring into me for the past 2 years now, so it's hard to imagine life without them.
But they went on their honeymoon this week and I've been house sitting for them. It's been good. God is still here and very much so present. It's good to have a faith of my own, not dependent on anyone or anything of this world. *sigh* That's a good feeling.
I do miss them though. I miss Greg and Lyndee and Drew. I've hung out with Ray and I'm getting to see Twan on Thursday. Yeah...

House Sitting Day 2

2010-03-02T10:21:00.002-05:00

I was productive today. I did about half of the dishes and took the trash out and read an entire book.
Not too bad.
Garrett joined me today.
I'm reading Genesis and so far, here are some of my thoughts:
"Swarm is not the past tense of swam. It is a verb all on its' own."
"Who is Cain's wife?"
"God appeared as three men to Abraham in Genesis 18. Whoa."
Nothing incredibly deep or revealing, but admittedly I've never really dug into the Old Testament and with some recent revelation, I feel it's incredibly necessary to devote my attention there.
It's 10:30 in the morning (technically the third day I've house-sat, but I update on the day after the day is done) and the sun is shining for the second day in a row and I see blue skies.
Hope is being renewed and restored for the winter is slowly passing away and spring with its' new life is coming to join the waking world.
Here comes the Son.

First Day Of House Sitting

2010-03-01T10:11:00.002-05:00

Well, it went well.
I wasn't nearly as productive as I wanted to be, then again, I did help is securing that $200 for Greg and Lyndee. The dishes still need to be done...and the trash needs to be taken out.
I did read an entire book in the span of a day and a half.
If you've not read "Oath" by Frank Peretti, you should.
On the list today? "Monster".
Ray and I made stir-fry. It was so good.
Took an epic shower, listened to Hush Sound.
And watched Terminator: Salvation. Not what I thought it was going to be (and yes, the governator did in fact make a cameo..it was appreciated.) It was good.
Susie's on break for the week at her house. She asked that I would not contact her at all this week, but I feel it's ok to mention her in my blog. If she reads it, I can't stop that.
Had an interesting/good talk with her dad. My thought process: If i had a daughter who was dating a boy I'd never met, I'd want that boy and me to be on the same page as to who he is and what he's all about. So, I did my best, I think. We shall see.

Ressurection

2010-02-27T10:00:00.002-05:00

It's kind of amazing how people have the power of resurrection.
That person you were, they have died.
And yet somehow, by the power of others, you find yourself staring at your old self, the person you were.
It's ugly.
And it hurts.
Has no one read a redemptive story? A "Christmas Carol" or even a "Harry Potter" (in reference to Severus Snape)?
Do we honestly believe people cannot change?
I'm done with this. I do not need to defend myself, I let God be my judge and I will be held accountable to Him.
Who am I now?
Come and see.

Lies, Lies, Lies.

2010-02-25T16:42:00.003-05:00

Just in case anyone has any doubts....
I AFFIRM THE TRUTH OF SCRIPTURE! I AFFIRM IT'S VALIDITY AS THE WORD OF GOD!

I am not in a cult. Nor have I ever been. I do not believe that only I have truth and no one else does. Really?????????

I do not like chapel all the time. It happens. Not a big fan of some of the speakers, though not because I believe they have no truth.

Other people have truth, in fact a lot of people do. It's awesome because they are called our brothers and sisters in Christ.

Anything else you care to throw at me?

Life just got a whole lot more interesting.

2010-02-24T01:55:00.002-05:00

I choose you.

Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow

Will you walk this path with me?

Out there...

2010-02-16T09:41:00.002-05:00

Freedom for:the captives, the blind, the deaf, the mute.

Truth blasted like a billion megawatt search light.

Bondage melts away like the winter months.

New life, His life, as you give Him yours.

Identities switch from that of a servant to a child.

Peace seeps into your soul.

Being in His presence as an end to itself.

Fellowship with the Almighty.

Intimacy eternally.

....just how radical do you want to get?

Randomness....sort of

2010-02-15T01:20:00.004-05:00

People who hate valentines day = single people. Learn to love while being single.

Sing to Him, please. Or yell, or scream. Just make sure your heart is in it, otherwise it's shallow, weak and awkward.

I believe in the Holy Spirit and I believe you can be free from your sin, as is you do not need to struggle with it any longer.

I believe being a Christian begins with the cross, not ends with it.

Guilt is NOT a part of His plan, nor do I believe He uses it. I believe the word is "conviction".

Stop trying to relate and just let yourself be challenged.

Willingness and humbleness are KEY to any sort of spiritual growth.

Guys, tell a girl she is beautiful today, but make sure you explain your motivation.

Girls, let a guy tell you you're beautiful and know he is a brother.

Acoustic guitar is one of the most beautiful sounds to my ear, currently.

(that's all for now...inspiration has left me)

Lost

2010-02-13T02:26:00.002-05:00

I believe I've lost myself
in You.
I can't quite tell where You
begin
and where I
end.
I've lost myself so deep in You.
It's so light here, no darkness, no burden.
And the pieces of me rest in the whole peace of You.
Seems so simple, now that I'm here.
I've lost myself so deep in You,
and I've no desire to return to where I
came from.
I don't think I ever will.
Return, that is.

Nothing Too Important

2010-02-11T01:39:00.003-05:00

Things seem to be back on track, to quote a good friend. I don't think I've realized how far off track I was until I suddenly, quite unexpectedly, but graciously found myself back on track. Soothes the soul, you know?
Breathe Deeply. Inhale Slowly, and hold it for just a second longer than normal; slowly exhale and let your body relax. Rest, let Him love you the way He desires (and the way you desire, though you may not know it). Find solitude, find escape from all the noise, noise, noise, noise. Go and enjoy a walk alone. Appreciate the time in the shower when you're left with your thoughts and Him. He's always there, we just don't live life through that context. Just because we don't see Him or even necessarily feel Him doesn't mean He isn't there. So, we're never alone, are we? Ever. That can be quite a comforting thought, or one that invokes more conviction than we care to admit to. It's funny how that works out sometimes. Man, I do not like guilt. Let conviction rest on you, not guilt. Guilt keeps you still, right behind the tree branch, but he conviction opens your eyes to the fact that we are FREE to simply grab Jesus' hand and step over the branch. (the idea is that you're on a path and there's a big tree branch laying on the ground in front of you. Are you going to stare at the branch all day, lamenting about the fact that it's there, in front of you so long that you begin to question if you even know it's a branch or something else which throws you for an even bigger loop. Or will you simply let Jesus help you step OVER it and move on?) There's my analogy for the night.
P.S It's becoming increasingly more difficult to type on my laptop. For some reason (whether I'm actually causing it or my computer is malfunctioning) randomly, wherever the mouse is, that's where the cursor jumps to. Fortunately for this website, it asks me before I navigate to another page, though not all websites are like that. Writing long emails via Exchange or FB messaging has become a very tedious task.

Alluring

2010-02-10T00:14:00.002-05:00

Different, not the same, exotic, unique, special.
Why are the different things so attractive? Why is the unknown so alluring? What is it about this thing we know so little about that makes us so curious? Why is there this innate sense of curiosity that demands us to ask questions, to examine, to obsess?
This seems a bit too existential for me, though it's definitely not what you think.
God, grant me peace. Allow me to continue on. Lead those into my path You would have me encounter. Do not allow me to be hindered by branches that can simply be stepped over. Be my breath.

(no subject )

2010-02-06T20:02:00.003-05:00

Greg and Lyndee are married. Finally. I think things are going to be changing a lot now. Not necessarily all because of them but it's part of it. And I think it will be a good change. I guess it just depends on who is changing and what that change is.
I don't know.
It's one of those bad days. It's bound to be when my day starts off like it did today. Not quite sure how to bounce back from it. And leaving and going somewhere with with someone won't help either which is exactly what I want to do. Ironic, huh?
Sometimes I feel like a wanton.

It's been too long...

2010-02-03T00:17:00.002-05:00

It's February now, and I don't feel anyone really caught my profile picture on facebook. I thought it was very clever.
It's funny how life has it's seasons and quirks.
blah. Thought I was in the mood. I'm not

Ever have one of those days...

2010-01-26T22:23:00.001-05:00

...where you see people and wished you knew them better?
That's been this entire school year.
Stupid bondage.

Not a whole lot

2010-01-24T21:20:00.001-05:00

i don't have a lot to say currently, which begs the question "why the post then?".
Well, i don't know.
The Vikings just had another turnover. Favre is pretty much done what with being pummeled the entire game. I don't get into football, and this is the first game I've seriously sat down and watched all season. Not a whole lot that appeals to me.
There's a lot that's going on in the world right now....Haiti, proposition 8...Greg's Wedding. Wow.
Anyway.

Facebook

2010-01-21T13:42:00.002-05:00

I've been off for two days and counting.
No cold sweats, no shakes, no random cravings.
Sigh, I still mentally make note of things that would make good statuses. That may never leave. But it's ok because I feel like I have a narrator to my life. That narrator may be me, but that's ok.

Trying sitting alone at lunch someday in the D.C. It's a fun time (no sarcasm intended).

Peace at last

2010-01-20T17:29:00.002-05:00

Today I found peace, finally. After a long and frustrating night, I believe I have some peace. Yes, the need to not be alone needs to die, but being with others is not bad. It's when i am with others simply because I don't want to be alone, that is the problem. I need NOT to idolize the presence of others. I can be around others, but I need to understand the motivation behind the action. WHY do I do what I do.
Goood.

me in a nutshell

2010-01-19T22:28:00.000-05:00

pissed pissed pissed lonely pissed lonely confused lonely lonely lonely confused confused pissed pissed pissed confused confused confused

On lonliness....

2010-01-18T00:02:00.002-05:00

it's going to happen to me a lot this semester.
Does God ever give you a glimpse of what work He's going to be doing in you?
I'm going to be alone a lot this semester. It scares me and it's uncomfortable, but i know that the ends justify the means so I will be obedient, despite the pain and loneliness and frustrations I'm going to experience.
1Peter 4:13.

It's time

2010-01-15T01:17:00.002-05:00

Oh my, this week went by fast. New classes, new schedule, a whole lot more time it seems. I don't know where it came from, but suddenly I feel as it there are 25 or 26 hours to a day. Or maybe my time management skills are improving. Either way....I'm likin' it.
I've started working out with Lyndee. Man, I do not like the process of working out. Obviously, I'll enjoy the results. Well, I enjoy the process, just not the soreness between work-outs. I know that will diminish in time, but for now, no pain no pain apparently.
I've stopped banging my head against the proverbial wall. You won't understand that, but that's ok. I'd just you to know that I've stopped and I have more peace than previous.
My handwriting is in a Bible. 2Samuel 7:21. Random!
I'm blessed beyond any measure of any kind. To have people pay so that I can do something I love and have it prepare me to serve God and others? Really? Are you that Good, God?

Like Sand Through an hourglass....

2010-01-11T00:45:00.003-05:00

...so are the days in Dave's life....
One large soap opera would be a good way to describe my life currently. Quite a bit of unexpected (and frankly unwelcome) drama going on. Both with family and friends. In some ways it concerns me directly and others, I can only watch with horror as it unfolds (I wrote that to Melissa first, and then I copied it to this blog).
But patient must I be, for the story seems to be unraveling at a pace slow enough to keep up with.
Patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, love, joy, peace and self-control. I must continually remind myself of these.
Love (insert name) to death. I believe Jesus has a right to say this, however we don't. He loved us to death, but have we loved Him to death? Random thought.

Please Pray

2009-12-23T23:39:00.002-05:00

I'm constantly surrounded now by spirits of deception and will be until the first of the month.
Please pray for my mind and heart.

Break.....

2009-12-19T13:11:00.003-05:00

Finally, the weight of classes has been lifted.
It's Saturday afternoon and I'm just relaxing at Bethel, waiting for the first leg of the journey (Middlebury).
Christmas break seems to be the break I travel the most in, mostly because it's when I get to see my dad in South Carolina. I'm insanely blessed to able to fly out and see him. And this year, I'll get to see the grandparents, aunt and unofficial uncle, a brother and hopefully a cousin. (I just called him and he answered..that never happens).
So I'm stoked for that leg of the trip. But before that, I'm spending a week or so with my mom in Muncie. You know how things tend to snowball in your head? That week has definitely been a snowstorm. I mean, it's good now, especially after having talked to my mom about it. I just plan to have a lot of reading available to me that week. Speaking of which, I should not have thrown away the South Carolina library card. I could totally use it. I think Dad will be working at some point so I'll need to entertain myself somehow.
Pray for joy and patience this break. Also for protection for not only me, but the Body (Greg, Ray, Lyndee, Twan, Byron, Drew, Kerch) as well. They're all going their separate ways for break (Ray's going to Korea...CRAZY!) so it'll be strange not being around them as much as I have this semester.
I should definitely have time to post and my roommate Ben (since he forgot it here) is letting me snag his digital camera for break. SUCH a blessing, so pictures will hopefully be posted.

Joy

2009-12-06T02:38:00.001-05:00

Today was filled with it:
Buildings
Ceramics
Museums
Concerts
Working digital frames
Late night t-bell run

It's good stuff alright.

This doesn't normally happen...

2009-11-23T12:08:00.002-05:00

I was praying for a friend and on a whim, I asked God to give me a scripture reference to them.
And the second I asked, Psalm 126 popped into my head. This doesn't normally happen, but apparently it was a good moment of faith, or my Dad wanting to bless me.
This is Psalm 126 and I've been pouring over it for the last two weeks:

When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,
we were like men who dreamed. ^b]">

² Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."

³ The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

⁴ Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.

⁵ Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.

⁶ He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

Please tell me this awakens something deep within you.
I want to be like a man who dreamed.
I want to sow in tears, and reap with songs of joy.
That's my prayer today:
Lord, fill my mouth with laughter, my tongue with joy.
But only if Your name will be heard among the nations through it.
Be known today, my Lord.

I don't...

2009-11-22T11:38:00.001-05:00

...feel like writing a blog.
So I'm not going to.

Today was not a fun day....

2009-11-19T23:35:00.002-05:00

'nuff said.
I don't want to think, I don't want to speak.
I want to sleep, and be like a man who dreamed.

I want this semester to be over. I want Bethel to be over.
No more homework, no more grades. I want to stop screwing up.

I just want to hide away and come back someone else.
I'm tired of this flesh, rip it away like green scales.

Batter my heart til it's unrecognizable.

Poisoned! Poisoned, I say!

2009-11-16T23:37:00.002-05:00

D.C went so well. Hopefully, I'll write more about it.
I got food poisoning at some point. Last night was not fun, to say the least.
Vision was cast tonight. $99,000 for a church and school building? Yes.
Pottery shop down there, pottery by homeless? Yes.
Drop a lighthouse in the middle of the dark night, let those whose eyes have only seen the dark experience something else, something different, something GOOD.
Redefine your definition of homeless.
This is not my world, this is not my home. I have one, I've just yet to get there.
Does that sound like something God's put on your heart?
Displace yourself, give up your life, for His Work, His Kingdom and His Glory?
To see fruit more abundantly than you've known possible?
To make disciples that make disciples that make disciples? To minister to those around you intentionally, all the time? Not just a spare hour here or there for to have your life completely transformed into something that's not yours anymore?
To Live in Freedom? To walk in His Grace and Love and no longer be called a slave, or even a friend but a Son/Daughter?
To understand things like:
Love ≠ Approval
Peace ≠ Safety
Tolerance ≠ Agreement
Relationship ≠ Fellowship
Suffering ≠ Punishment
"I am" ≠ "I do"
Importance ≠ Urgency
Humbleness ≠ Inferiority
Does this resonate with your heart? Does this awaken something deep within you, something longing to see light, to see Truth? Stay Heartened, my friend. God is calling out a remnant, a generation not simply content to merely watch their faith pass by their eyes, but a generation seeking sanctification and consecration, a generation seeking the difference between the Holy and the common.
We're here and we're waiting for you to join us, but more importantly, He is waiting for you. Run to Him!

D.C Bound.....

2009-11-12T05:07:00.002-05:00

It's 5a.m.
I got maybe 4 hours of sleep last night.
I'm headed to D.C. This is such a random trip. Goodness.
You should see the directions from the airport to the hotel. Red lines and Green lines....Tottenham and Farragut N. Good thing there are four other people coming.
God, give us strength and help us remember why we're doing this.
Coach Hunny, Zach Delaruellle and Robby Rasbaugh all prayed for me last night. God, I'm so sorry I have forgotten you in all of this. Amidst the hustle and bustle and constant thinking I can lead this by myself, You get the short end of the stick. I don't understand this stupid flesh all the time. Thank You for your grace, that it's Bigger than anything else I've ever understood.
Here goes nothing................

Well, I'm, not failing

2009-11-11T09:16:00.002-05:00

I'm still passing Prob and Stats....I was right though, I got a 30% on the test, ( the average was a 54%....does this indicate anything?)
There's still hope but this means I have to attend Math Lab, along with the majority of the class.
Exodus 14:14 is a good verse. It sucks, but it's so good and I'm going to see what happens with it.
Wish me luck

Pslam 103:8

2009-11-09T23:39:00.001-05:00

This was going to be yesterday's post but church happened and lots of papers needing to be written happened as well, so this had to be sacrificed. It happens.
I've found that the past couple of days, I am so quick to anger. And then that in itself tends to make me more angry ( and do you see where this leads? )
And it's a very physical anger too. Not violent, per-say, but very active in it's manifestation. I just get a whole lot of energy and testosterone and adrenaline pumping very quickly that I need to go do something. Thankfully, God's grace covers that like it does everything else.
Today, I'm just a little exhausted. I'll be able to slow down tonight and hang out with Nate Jackson and then Rachel Koons. It should be relaxing.
And now it's several hours later and I realize we have a meeting for the Green Team at 9.
Life needs to stop soon. I may explode.
However, the crescendo of homework seems to have ceased for a little bit, at least. Several papers down, but several more to go.

Second one today

2009-11-08T20:32:00.002-05:00

....and the inspiration left me......
Today was a good day. Took a nap, and did a lot of longboarding.
This is going to mean a late night tomorrow night to get the homework done.
God, thank you for today. I truly praise you in the small moments, in the times that would normally seem so insignificant, but meant the the world to me today. You truly lavish Your love on us and we really have no idea.
Please give me patience. I can't do this without You, pure and simple. And I don't want to do this without You because it's completely pointless.
This is my prayer: Direct my everything.

Oh What A Night, Late December...well....it's November Actually...

2009-11-08T01:02:00.002-05:00

So I spent the night at Christian and Becky's.
Boy, she can cook! Two home-cooked meals in one weekend. I am truly blessed. I got to see Coffee, currently my favorite dog in existence (followed closely by a small dog in Kansas City, MO at Josh Mill's house and a small dog named Smudge at Greg's aunt's house.)
Chloe and Susie weren't feeling well, so they stayed in all day and had a Lord of the Rings marathon. Needless to say, I was a bit jealous and I had yet to visit, so I kindly asked Chloe if, provided the gas money, she would come pick me up. About half way into the movie, a neighbor knocks on the door, and asks if she could borrow the phone. She needed to call the cops to report domestic abuse. Her name was Grace (go figure) and my heart was broken in so many pieces for her. I pray she got everything sorted out. The cops came, and I think her dad showed up too, though I'm not too sure on the details. With Chloe, Susie and Grace there, I felt a surge, albeit a small surge, of "Protect". It was different, though I felt oddly at peace with it. Grace was afraid her boyfriend was going to come back, and he did, but then ran away again.
It was a good night.
Lord, please give me wisdom to know when to speak and when to be silent, when to act and when to sit still. Lead my actions, my words and my thoughts.

I missed yesterday...oh well

2009-11-06T15:07:00.002-05:00

God is so good. For some reason, they've canceled alternate chapel two days in a row, so I've been forced to go to the normal chapel. Not that this is an inherently bad thing, but this year, I've found I prefer alternate chapel for it's more low-key, chilled setting.
Today, however, I am so appreciative to have gone to normal chapel.
The speaker canceled last minute (another victim of the swu, I assume).
So, they pulled together a last-minute praise and worship chapel, complete with Shekinah Glory (I cry every time those girls dance.)
It was just good. Good in the sense that God is good. I felt the Holy Spirit move in my soul and I could not help but smile. I didn't even realize I was holding in the Joy I was receiving until I let it out. Todd let loose on the organ setting and I just lost it.
Laughter is so good, especially when it's shared. Drew was right there with me, laughing so hard. And it wasn't even the organ sound that was funny. I couldn't help but laugh because there was nothing to do but laugh. Not out of exhaustion or frustration, but simple, yet complete overwhelming and welcomed Joy. And it just made the rest of my day seem lighter.

Yesterday was a long day. I had class at 9:30-10:50, then a break. Class from 12:00-1:50, 2:00-3:20, break. Work 7-midnight. Suffice to say, Thursdays are no day of rest.
And here comes the theme of the semester: papers. I always have a paper to be writing.
Papers that need writing/finishing by Tuesday.

Art History

Comparing my church (house) to an ancient Sumerian Ziggurat
Defend whether or not the ancient myth of the Minotaur happened

Disciple-making Structures in Ministry

My view of discipleship/ministry
One lesson plan for a wed night youth group

and now for the papers due by the end of the semester

Art History

At least 6 more papers over random topics, and galleries and museums

Disciple-making Structures

4-year curriculum for a wednesday night youth group
1500-1600 word reflection on what I've learned in the class

Theory of knowledge

Final Paper (subject unknown)

These are my focuses for the year. That, and I need to pass Prob and Stats. The encouraging (sarcasm) part about that is the Math department decided that they would change the class for this year. Basically they doubled the work load and made it harder to study and ask questions. The professor said (and I quote) "We expect more people to fail this class than in previous years". Now, despite what you think (you, whoever you are that reads this, however many few of you are out there), this isn't complaining but rather a scholarly update on my life. Despite what I think, academics are, unfortunately, a large part of my life that need some attention. However, I keep insisting God did not bring me to purely for my education, but more importantly for His Truth, which I've found and experienced in abundance. More on that later....

Technically, it's the 6th, but who's counting?

2009-11-05T00:43:00.002-05:00

Yeah, this one is counting for the 5th of November since I'm still up and probably will be for another hour or so, writing a paper (maybe longer, Smallville is playing and I don't know what to do with this paper and my mind drifts off to other things...............)
I'm drinking Simply Orange. I got it for $2.00. I continue to be pleasantly surprised.
Again, my mind drifts to things not of this world, to a truth, a light, a presence beyond that which I can know. It sails towards desires being submitted, and put through the holy fire, to be cleansed and made holy.
......................

A little more consistency perhaps

2009-11-03T23:55:00.002-05:00

So, I have no idea if anyone actually reads this or checks up on it ( they haven't had good reason to do so in the past few months)
However, I'm going to attempt write something everyday. Hopefully, it will just be a general update on my day and what happened essentially, but who knows what life lessons will be thrown my way.
I'm starting today with today.
It was a good day. I got to my first class and checked my email in the computer in the room. I found out I had forgotten to write a paper due today, so reluctantly, I left class to go write this paper. (p.s. this is proving to be more difficult than it should be. For some reason, something is malfunctioning on my laptop to where the laptop will think I clicked the mouse and the cursor will just go there. This proves difficult when writing papers, especially when the mouse is somewhere in the paper it shouldn't be and I randomly start typing in the middle of my paper....comprende?)
I got the paper done, and went to 2 out of my 3 classes. That's been an issue lately, the whole not going to class. It's pretty bad and I need to start going to class. :)
I had dinner with Laura Overs. Pretty cool girl and it was good to see her heart and see what God has been doing with her. I'm not too sure if anything will progress with that. ( And when I say progress, I mean in a ministerial sense, not in any romantic sense whatsoever. )
I got my homework done tonight. The prob and stats homework was a bit frustrating and I emailed the prof letting her know I'd be asking questions tomorrow ( when I go to class, which I haven't been in...ohh...2 weeks now? It's all good though, attendance is not part of the grade, she made that very clear).
And on to another day!

Jesus, here I am, Your favorite one...

2009-10-17T16:57:00.002-04:00

The title is just the current song being played in the Prayer room here in Kansas City, Missouri at IHOP (International House of Prayer). I'm currently writing this one Kyle Swope's $1200 MacBook Pro. Apparently her name is Natasha (?).
And yet again, I come to K.C with generally more question than answers. That usually happens. I really got this whole K.C pushed into my lap. I do realize I had the option to say yes or no, but in reality there was no way I was going to say no. I don't generally pass up a chance to come to K.C if I can help it, especially with the school allotting us a budget to cover the gas money to get here. My bank account was a little larger than it normally is, so I said yes. Glory prayed for 8 people and 8 people came out.
Jacob, Kyle and Nathan bonded with Josh Mills in a way I never expected. So many inside jokes this time around.
The girls were more on their own.
Either way, they all ate up the prayer room as most do. Willingness is key and I sense most of them are.
It's fun to see them experience this for the first time, and yet I definitely feel the need to fulfill the "caretaker" role on them, protect them and encourage them. I don't agree with everything that goes on here at IHOP. Some life style choices are a bit extreme considering people's past, and yes I believe in FREEDOM but that doesn't mean the freed alcoholic can hang around the bar everyday. Where's the wisdom?
It seems I'm still plagued with guilt over old things. I in no way have peace about certain things and wonder if I'll ever have peace over them. I just don't understand sometimes, and with this whole Christianity thing, the line between right and wrong can be blurred so much. You wouldn't think so, but it is.
But God has allowed me to bless people while I've been here which is always something I cherish. Conversations with old friends (Josh, Wes, Eric, Lilly) are among the things I look forward to most while being here. And being in the prayer room goes without saying. (Randomly, Mike Bickle, the founder of IHOP is in the prayer room currently. Very random. Some day I'd like to have a sit down with him and talk, but I doubt it will ever happen. Maybe he'll approach me? )
Blah, my spirit is just at such unrest. I don't know why. There's something there, and I'm not too sure what it is.
God of Jacob, will you wrestle with me?

Life, Liberty and the pursuitGod of Freedom

2009-10-07T16:03:00.003-04:00

So apparently I'm picking this up again. It makes sense with who God's creating me to be; a quiet soul who's less likely to speak and more likely to listen. I get discouraged sometimes for sure, but you let yourself be picked up by the only One Who can pick you up.
I'm not loud. I'm not boisterous. I'm not shallow. I don't seek approval. I won't give approval. I don't manipulate. I'm not a slave.
It seems a lot of who I am today is not only what I am, but also what I'm not.
I am quiet. I'm deep. I seek love. I give love. I care. I am a free son.
Some of you won't understand the ministry God is currently unfolding before me. I can't expect you to. I know the truth that resides in my heart is what I'm seeking after. I will keep my eyes on my God. I will not stray or stop for anyone. This does not mean I will love any less but I will not be hindered in my walk by those around me. I will walk. I will not drag behind me those around me. That is not who I am and not how He intended it. If God's grace can extend to me, a once manipulative, drug-using porn addict, I believe His grace can extend infinitely. And it does. It is not my duty to save the world. I cannot. He can.
God's greatest commandment says it clearly enough.
The pendulum effect obviously comes into play here, so there is the tendency to forget about the 2nd greatest command. However, I will love people. That will never go away. I won't approve of some of their actions, but I will still love them.
And that seems to be something I need to explore more.
What does Jesus' love look like in my life as presented to others?

Loose Lips Sink Ships

2009-10-01T21:53:00.004-04:00

Apparently I have an "irrepressible need to be open with everyone" (hb).
That shouldn't be who I am anymore.
When will that ever go away? That is not me.

But it seems it still is because I want to tell everyone everything.
And I'm still dealing with these consequences. People telling me things they shouldn't know, yet I've definitely told them.

I'm tired of my flesh and the war it wages. I am tired of my new self clashing with my old self.
I am still dealing with consequences of my old self. No, I'll never deny that, (in fact with me, I'll tell the whole world was a great sinner I was) but I'm tired of this openness.

Maybe I'll go on a speech fast for a long time.
I like that idea. A lot.

Upon the subject of money

2009-06-18T14:48:00.002-04:00

I keep telling myself I am not out here to make money, that it's just a perk above and beyond what I really came out here to do. However, upon seeing my latest check being worth $72.21, I got a little angry and frustrated. No, I did not forget any decimal points or extra numbers. And that was for 56 hours of work. Now, if you do the math, I made roughly $1.29 an hour. Rough eh? I actually make a little more than that, however over $300 was taken out for deposits, meals/housing and the fact they paid me $2 more an hour on my last paycheck. Fun stuff huh?
And then I stop and think...."What exactly do I need this money for?" I have a cell phone bill I pay, so that needs to happen and I could be paying college off but it's not been a major concern as of yet. So, I don't really need it. I guess...it's just seeing very very very little actual fruit of my physical work.
Blah, so many frustrations lately. This is what I wrote on my previous internship blog post:

"So, I haven't written a blog in quite a while. It's not that I've been too busy or haven't had something to write about, it just hasn't happened.
I had an interesting talk with Twan and Greg at lunch one day. It was a hard pill to swallow. You think you can take constructive criticism and then two prophets come along and you suddenly realize you haven't really experienced constructive criticism until now. All of this, this whole internship, this whole "way" of doing ministry, being led by the Spirit...daily...is so foreign to me. Sometimes, I just want to stop, and take a sabbath. But then I ask myself have I really done any work and I honestly don't know. Well, work in a Kingdom sense. I do have a job out here, working 40ish hours a week, give or take depending on the week. And it seems that's the problem. I don't know what I'm doing, I barely have an idea of my role. I feel like I'm playing football and just have no idea what the game is or where I belong. So I find myself attempting to be the quarterback and failing or the running back and failing too. I think you understand where I'm going with this. And it's not that I'll never know these things, but currently I don't which makes life and functioning very difficult when I literally don't know what to do other than pray almost constantly that God would show me what He wants of me. And I'm such an outgoing guy that I want to meet these people I'm surrounded by, I want to know them and comfort them and speak into their lives and I know no other way than by getting to know them, which is almost exactly opposite from what most of the other people in the internship are doing. It bugs and frustrates me so much to see Twan and Greg just literally stand back and almost seemingly do nothing. But it only looks like nothing to me because I'm not looking with the right eyes. I don't understand their prayer, I don't understand or see the battlefield around me. And with no understanding or sight comes no action on my part. And then because of this blindess and lack of understanding on my part, what actual good can come from me meeting these people and getting to know them besides meeting a basic desire to know and be known. These have been my frustrations of late. "
so what now?

Almost a month...

2009-06-02T16:25:00.002-04:00

It's been almost a month since I've updated this. Life gets busy, especially with a job and two other blogs that need updating and all that with limited internet abilities. So yeah, it's June 2nd now. I'm sitting in the employee rec. hall where all the employees chill out after a day of work ( for some, they literally work all day). There's a pool table ( an old coin pool table converted to be free ), a big screen T.V ( you can sign out a D.V.D player if you get really bored) and numerous chairs and tables ( it seems everyone but me brought their laptops). I still can't believe I'm in Wyoming currently. It absolutely blows my mind. Every time I catch a glimpse of the mountains that loom in the distance, I still, quite literally, gasp. I can't help but feel very small and insignificant. Life here is interesting.
God hAs I type right now, plans are being made to go white water rafting for free. That scares me. White water rafting is very terrifying. But yeah, it's a pretty sweet set up here. Most of the activities here are free to employees. Also, the food we eat is the same as the guests as well. They take care of their employees here, but they expect quite a bit. Already, several of the interns here have put in 12 hour shifts, one guy put in a 15 hour shift. I haven't had to work those kinds of shifts yet, just 5 or 6 hour shifts. Next week, my hours will get extended because the store I work at will extend their hours. I'm not here to make money. That's something I'm slowly recognizing and I'm o.k with that. As I'm moved around the past couple years, I've either lost or intentionally gotten rid of a lot of my possessions. It's been really good not to rely on so many material things. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy my longboard quite a bit and I own a decent amount of books, but nothing overboard.
God has been so good, especially with answered prayers. I've been seeing quite a few people around who work at the national park who I just really want to meet. Everyone here has a story that I really want to hear. So, I've been praying for opportunities to meet people and God has truly been faithful. Whether it's been through volleyball or pool or helping someone recycle some cardboard, I've truly been blessed with the people I've met here. More to come later....

Good Morning

2009-05-11T08:51:00.004-04:00

Time: 8:52 a.m
Time I woke up: 8:23 a.m
Reason: I have nooooo idea....

So I'm currently sitting on the most comfortable couch ever in one of the most comfortable houses ever. This post is going to be dedicated to the place I'm staying. It's in Middlebury, a little town in northern Indiana. The house is on a side road, up a hill on a "No Outlet" road called "Berry Street." You find yourself driving up the dirt road and suddenly you come upon the house. Maybe the first thing you notice is the hammock hanging quite lazily from two trees, or you may notice the house itself, with it's mixture of pine wood paneling on the outside and a tin roof which makes the most wonderful noise in the rain. And upon further inspection, you may see a Beagle puppy ( named Coffee) sitting outside, either basking in the sun or going crazy upon seeing you. You'd also notice three cats, if you're lucky, going where they please.

You step out of your vehicle and walk to the house, not entirely sure as to which door is the front. The door you first see actually leads to a bedroom, so you walk around to the side of the house and up a hill where there is a rock path that leads to the side of the house. You turn around and notice a barn which holds many secrets, one being a movie theater. You walk inside the house and the first thing you notice may be the hard wood floors, or the shelve holding several wine bottles. Or you might notice the many, many pictures of people ( you assume family and friends) hanging up everywhere. Now if you didn't see Coffee ( the beagle puppy) outside, you may now encounter her. Or she may be fast asleep on the couch, again depending on the time of day.

A tour of the house reveals a sense of warmth and of love. The dining room table is used for meals at night where we all sit around and talk about our day. The T.V is not constantly on, and if it is on, there may be music ( Coldplay, The Frat, Burlap to Cashmere...) playing, via live stream from one of the several computers to the PS3. The kitchen is used daily to make such dishes such as seaseme seed encrusted ahi tuna steak, or something as simple as pigs in the blanket. The second floor is quite interesting as well. If you manage to make it up the stairs, for they are quite steep and intimidating at first, you'd find two very different rooms. One, covered in flowers, pinks and greens and the other decorated based off the book "Where The Wild Things Are", the bed in fact looking like a little sailboat. Now that you've explored the house, you take a stroll outside and you notice a random trampoline you hadn't seen before.

You continue on up yet another hill to the barn. You walk around to the far side and open the large sliding wooden door. At first, it looks like a normal barn minus any farm animals, though you may see one or two or three cats. The lower level is used mostly for storage. You'll find bikes ( a vintage light blue Schwinn among them), lawn mowers, tires etc... You walk up the stairs and suddenly find a quite different view. In front of you are 20 or so theater seats and you turn around and see a screen of sorts on the far wall. 4 dry wall boards have been put together to form a screen and you notice several speakers surrounding the seats, and a projector screen as well. A drum set, and two guitars make the scene complete.

The married couple who own this house are amazing. Their names are Becky and Christian and God has blessed me beyond belief by bringing them into my life. They graciously and warmly open their home to me whenever I have a break. Their share their meals with me and their daily tasks ( everything from dog sitting, to helping with a barn sale, to mowing the lawn...I have to earn my keep somehow haha.) I cannot begin to express my gratitude towards them. This is one of my homes.

sdjfuefoenvconuedcndljhndsofows(blah)ssdflkjalfoweifjoewfkew

2009-04-25T16:13:00.001-04:00

................that's my mood.

{insert something deep here}

2009-04-13T09:00:00.004-04:00

Lately, I've been straying away from this site in terms of blogging. I recently added the Ads you see on the sides in hopes of making a little extra money (oh the get $20 quick schemes). I then realized how stupid it was and tried removing the ads, but as you can see, they still haunt me.
Time is moving a lot faster than I would like it to. The weeks blow by like they're individual days. And always so much left to do, always. Fundraising to attend to, papers to write, people to visit, and jobs to start. I've been inspired to write something lately but the words don't seem to want to escape. Maybe Anna Nalick had it right..."2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to" It's from a song called "Just Breathe". Who knows?
I'm sick. I've succumbed to it and even taken a couple sudafed. It honestly helps which frustrates me. I'm not such a big fan of pills. I took medicine for ADHD for the greater part of my life and now I'm not against pills, but I tend to shy away from them. But oh sickness. Thomas Fuller once said "Health is not vauled til sickness comes". I miss a head free from pounding and a throat that doesn't feel like I've got sandpaper stuck in it. But the worst of it came over break in which I'm very grateful for.
I believe I need to write things down more. I have an interview for an on campus job next year and I woke up this morning thinking I had the interview at 9:00, so I was up at 8 (keeping in mind my first commitment is Chapel at 10) showered, dressed and filled out the necessary paperwork. I arrived promopty at 8:50 only to realize my interview is on the 24th at 3:30. I don't know where 9:00a.m on Monday came from.
Oh. People I've recently hung out with or get to hang out with soon (yes, I'm listing)

Kelby Williams
Paul McKinley
Mom
Nathan Rasbaugh
Robert Rasbaugh
Erica Nisley
Hannah Beth
Shana Beers

???

2009-04-06T01:03:00.002-04:00

do i even know what humility means?

Humble

2009-04-05T18:25:00.002-04:00

I prayed that God would humble me.
And do He did. It's always the prayers said off to the side that I forget about that are usually answered. I think worrying about prayers might just be their antidote. Who knows?
It sucked, but at the same time so needed. To be humbled that is.
Thank you. I don't know if you read this, but thank you for letting God use you to help humble me.

[no title]

2009-03-16T22:19:00.003-04:00

Jesus, I need you to be my everything. I need you to fill those gaps in my life. I need you to fulfill those desires in my heart. You have to otherwise what am I but empty? Jesus, I pray that You truly and literally be my everything. Otherwise, I have nothing. I can't go on like this much longer and You know it. I can't stand to bear this emptiness, this lonely, abandoned, isolated and forlorn place I constantly find myself in. Why is this road so empty and why am I suddenly looking back to the things I was sure I counted the cost of.

been a while...

2009-03-14T00:16:00.002-04:00

almost a month in fact....have I lost inspiration? It's not that I've been too busy, God strike me down if I ever use that excuse. Straight up lie right there.
I helped fix a Raku kiln today. I'm excited to be able to use it. I also glazed some pots....didn't glaze them in time to make it into the art show. :) Oh well.
Also replaced the wheels on my rollerblades (finally). A big thank you to Jonathan for hooking me up with the semi-new wheels. They roll nicely.
It's about 12:20a.m. I have no reason to be awake right there. I don't want to be awake. I want to be sleeping and yet I'm not tired, nor hungry. Thirsty yes. So thirsty...for....what. Water? It will only make me thirsty again. I thirst to thirst no longer.
Deus Caritas Est............He has to be.

On Christ The Solid Rock I Stand.....

2009-02-19T17:32:00.003-05:00

In me, there is a great sadness. One that has been growing at an ever-increasing rate. Someone once said this wouldn't be easy. Someone once said this won'tl be a piece of cake. They also said it would be this hard. They talked about the ever-present loneliness, the vast absence that once was filled by ignorance.

I didn't believe them.

But now I know.

I can no longer be ignorant about my generation, about my friends, about my family. And since I can no longer live blissfully unaware, I live painfully aware.

I understand Freedom. I understand Christ died to forgive our sins. We have been set free of our prison. So, now that we're outside, now that our shackles are gone, what's next? What is Freedom? The ability to do something. What separates those who are outside of the prison from those still trapped inside? Those outside are Free to do something. What should our response to Freedom be? Should we set out to find yet another prison to be trapped? Should we live in a state of disbelief that our shackles are actually gone, that we have suddenly found ourselves in the light? Should we continue to fight for something we already have? It reminds me of the saying "It was in the last place I looked." (note: this is in reference to something actually being in the last place you looked. Not the last option of somewhere to look, just the thing being in the last place you looked. ) Of course it's in the last place you looked. You're not going to search for your wallet, and upon finding it, continue to look for it. Sometimes, I feel this is exactly what we as Christians are attempting to do with our salvation. Christ has died for us, we are forgiven of our sins and yet some of us are still attempting to live our lives in such a way as to still "attain" our salvation. Yes, we live outside the prison walls, but we still feel the need to live in such a way as to remove the shackles that aren't even there! The shackles are gone. You've been forgiven of your sins. So exercise your freedom. It's really a simple concept.

This idea of Freedom is not hard. This idea of obedience, of God speaking to you, is not hard. You can ask all the questions you'd like about "Well, how does it work? What will it sound like? How will I know for sure?" I cannot answer those questions for you. You can look at a lake, questioning whether the water is too cold or too warm, or whether you'll drown or not, or whether there are fish in there. Or...you could jump in and find out for yourself. Talk to Him, not me. Listen to Him. So often times, we're more than happy to talk, but find so much discomfort in the still silence of listening. Of course you can't hear him, you're too busy talking. Are we afraid of the silence? Are we afraid of what we will hear if we're quiet. Maybe that's why we're quick to speak, but slow to listen. Are we afraid of what we'll hear?

What do you think? I've never really asked for comments and very few have left any but I'm asking you, as a reader, to respond.

God....

2009-02-10T19:33:00.002-05:00

is such an artist. Seriously, did anyone else see the sunset tonight? And that's just one sunset in one place! How many more does He create every single day, all around the world in different time zones in different climates. I just laughed so hard when I realized that. Some friends and I went down to the river to watch the sunset and it was phenomenal. I miss them quite a bit. I have to thank my friend Lilly for my appreciation of sunsets/sunrises and stars. If you ever get a chance, sit outside and watch them. They are awe-inspiring.

sorry

2009-02-05T09:46:00.000-05:00

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
i am so so so so so so sorry.

Train Thoughts

2009-02-01T11:27:00.002-05:00

Sitting backward on a train is kind of like life
You can see where you've been, and where you are
but not where you're going
And where you are turns into
Where you've been, and suddenly
Where you're going is where you are
faster than you can deal with.
Seriously, slow down.
Quick as a calm, cool cucumber.
Once in a while you stop
Leave some things behind
Pick some things up
Some you want, some you don't
Yeah, sitting backwards on a train
is definitely like life.

untitled

2009-01-19T08:21:00.002-05:00

Surprised By Joy

2009-01-17T00:26:00.001-05:00

I was surprised by Joy today.
It caught me off guard and I was unprepared, but I welcomed You with arms wide.
Thank You for giving me a heart-warming reminder that You love me.
Love that is unfailing and never-ending. Love that will not abandon nor corrupt.
Love that does not have it's own motives or evil schemes.
Pure Love.
I miss you, Joy. A lot.

Joy, El Elyon, Father

2009-01-11T07:28:00.001-05:00

Help me to remember this is for You and

You alone.

2009-01-01T12:17:00.001-05:00

Time: 12:10 p.m
Location: O'Fallon, Missouri. More specifically, the Goodwin home.

Latest endeavor: Relax
Status: In Transit

So, I have officially will have 32 hours of travel time under my belt once I return from Missouri.
Meeting many amazing people who's names I know, but are not associated with faces.
About to meet Kikka, a very large, smart German Shepherd.
I am terrified. Large barking dogs and myself simply do not mix.

Not a whole lot to report on the weekend. I'm sure more will come.

Christ-mas..translated roughly to Christ-more......?

2008-12-28T04:38:00.005-05:00

Time: 4:39 a.m
Location: Muncie, IN. More specifically, my mom's apartment.

Latest endeavor: Flew alone
Status: Completed.

Next mission: To drive 2 hours to Middlebury to make the bus to 3DYC
Status: En Route

This has been one heck of a Christmas, I must say. A friend of mine wrote on his blog about how he enjoys traditions when it comes to Christmas, the lighting of the Advent Candle, having Christmas with the nuclear family and how last years Christmas was the same as the year before and so on and so forth.

I read it and got a little angry. Mostly for the fact of I had all of that, the nuclear family, the traditions, the presents wrapped neatly under the tree. But this year has been very different for me. My dad lives in South Carolina in a house no bigger than my apartment. My mom lives in an apartment at Ball State. She's a full time student there and has hopes of going to Italy sometime within the next two years. My brother lives in Florida and he works at Disney as a Marine Mechanic. And I'm in Northern Indiana, going to school at a small, private Christian College, with a major that will never land me anything resembling a job of worldly status.

Needless to say, my nuclear family exploded and anything that resembled tradition is now dying with radiation poisoning.

But that's ok. You become flexible. You fly several hundred miles, if only to see a loved one for three days. You accept presents under the tree suddenly look like packages sent in the mail, or come in the form of a two-way plane ticket to see the previously mentioned loved one. You decorate a tree with a family that's not yours, but has invited you into their home, simply because the love of Christ brings people together in ways no one quite understands. You spend a few days with your mom who drives your butt all over, just so you can make it to the airport and just so you can make it to 3DYC on time. You begin to understand LOVE.

Weak and Weary

2008-12-15T18:05:00.002-05:00

These last two weeks have all
but wiped me out.
By far the hardest
I've worked all semester.
I have never looked forward
to a break as much as I
look towards this one.
It's so close.
I am weak.
I am weary.
Sweet escape, winter break by thy name.
What keeps me going?
You. Thank You.
for Truth
I am weak.
I am weary.
This road has never been emptier.
The dust all but chokes me.
But sweet, sweet release, the water that flows,
flows abundantly.
It cures. What?
Everything.
Sweet.
Sweet.
Release.

Upon Being Clean Shaved

2008-12-09T09:40:00.002-05:00

Compliments: "You look like Ben Folds"

Insults: "Dave is no more"

Gold-dust and Gems

2008-11-29T22:57:00.004-05:00

Who needs 'em?
I'm not saying God can't, and hasn't. From what I've seen and the testimonies I've heard, God has done it.
Cool.
But...what of it? It's gold-dust and apparent flawless gems. When I die, they're still here. They are temporary. I'm not trying to belittle these gifts. God loves us and He LOVES to Love us.
Christ died for us. What more proof can we possibly demand or want of God?
It's cool. I've had friends get gold-dust and my intention is not to diminish that in any way, but for me personally, I don't know. Haha.
God does delight in us and love us. But we all are different and receive love in different ways.
If for some people gold-dust or flawless gems are the way they receive love or interpret it, sweet.
I don't think that's me.
But...if it ever happens to me, if I ever find a purple gem in my suitcase, if i ever discover flecks of gold scattered on my hands or clothes, I will still praise God.
And if it never happens, I will still praise God.

Pray for Sandy.

We get too focused on the gift and not why it's being given! Haha. Praise Jesus!
Holy Spirit, thank you for the playtime this weekend.

I just got a picture of Jesus. He had a gem in one hand and a hole in the other. Which one do I prefer?

Weekend in a Few Words or Less

2008-11-24T11:27:00.002-05:00

9 hours there
9 hours back
the meat of this sandwhich is
Francis Chan, Francis Collins
D.C.B times 3
Throw in some some green vegetation
The Word of God in more ways than you can count
Hip-Hop, Art, Drama, Music
And talk about some cheese.
Disco-dancing, gut-busting,
Seriously Ridiculous times.
Throw in some honey mustard,
Get your creativity flowing,
Diet Coke and Mentos hit the ceiling
New friends, old friends
20 free tees
However, despite my seemingly fullness,
I'm still empty, and my stomach growls for the church
reformation is on the tip of my tongue
change screams from the depths
Now.

Big thoughts from a small person

2008-11-11T19:59:00.003-05:00

The flowers I step onto every day
Were created by the same mouth that life was spoken into existence
And now You've created a mission for us
That's been around for so long
but has fallen onto deaf ears
So now my ears are clear and I can hear
And it scares me so much
Because this is world-changing stuff
*sigh* Deep breath
Ok. I'm ready. Bring it on.
Just...direct me please.

How Can There Be A Hole?

2008-11-07T20:18:00.002-05:00

How can such a sadness exist within such Joy?
Never quite understood what people meant
when they said they felt
alone
amidst a sea of people
now i do
I'm a mess right now
This isn't right
can't be right
now what He intended for me
It can't
psh
you don't care

Watch The Leaves

2008-11-05T15:29:00.002-05:00

...has anyone ever done that? I'm sure they have.
I've been trying to do it for at least 5-10 minutes a day, mostly between classes.
It's amazing just to watch such a simple process somehow become so much more complicated.
The different ways the leaves are shaped determine the way in which they fall.
Some fall very erratically, twisting and turning, while spinning violently toward the ground.
Others seem to fall with an effortless grace that seems to have an almost feminine quality to it.
And still others seem to want to stand out of the crowd, so they adhere to no apparent pattern of descent.
God is good.
True story.